Why Relationships Matter

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The people who matter most can hurt us most precisely because they matter so much.

Intimacy requires honesty and mutual growth, not merely pleasant interactions.

The goal of love is not to eliminate all hurt, but to repair it and learn from it.

"You always hurt the one you love, the one you should not hurt at all…So if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all." —The Mills Brothers

Love is among life's greatest rewards. Yet if love is rooted in care, why are we often kinder to strangers than to the people we love most? The answer lies in the paradox of intimacy: The closer someone is to us, the greater our capacity both to enrich their life and to hurt them. This paradox also explains why we sometimes treat strangers more kindly than our romantic partners.

The Paradox of Romantic Intimacy

"Love of my life, you hurt me, you've broken my heart and now you leave me." —Queen

"My spouse said that if I (sexually) go elsewhere, he does not want to know about it." —A married woman

Intimacy is among the most valuable aspects of romantic relationships. It brings partners closer and makes their connection unique. However, as two lives become increasingly intertwined, opportunities for hurt also multiply. Lovers spend much of their lives together, and their decisions often have significant consequences for one another. Thus, dedication to one's work may leave a partner feeling neglected; an activity that delights one person may burden the other.

Profound intimacy, openness, and trust reduce the need for constant self-monitoring. Lovers are typically less guarded with each other than with strangers, and hasty remarks or impulsive actions can easily cause hurt. The freedom to be authentic comes with a cost: greater vulnerability. This challenges a widespread assumption that........

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