The Science of Mating

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"Checklists" in dating rarely rank qualities by importance and often ignore the crucial issue of suitability.

Choosing a suitable romantic partner requires more than counting strengths and weaknesses.

The ability of partners to bring out the best in one another is a hallmark of flourishing relationships.

"All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get."—Confucius

Choosing a romantic partner is complex. We may focus on a person's strengths and weaknesses, but simply counting them does not show whether that person is right for us. A most common mistake in romantic choice is assuming that attraction and suitability are the same thing. They often overlap, but sometimes they point in opposite directions.

The Paradox of Falling in Love With the Wrong Person

"I knew from the beginning that he was bad for me, but the sex was great."—A divorcee

"I loved my former spouse dearly, but his insistence on an open marriage was bad for me."—A divorcee

From an evolutionary perspective, detecting negative events is more important than detecting positive ones. Negative events may threaten our survival, whereas positive ones merely offer opportunities to improve our situation. Accordingly, bad experiences, negative emotions, and critical feedback usually have a greater psychological impact than positive ones. We are more motivated to avoid bad outcomes than to pursue good ones (Baumeister et al., 2001).

This negativity bias is most relevant to romantic relationships. Negative qualities can undermine a relationship and seriously harm a partner. By contrast, people often adapt to the absence of certain positive qualities. John Gottman argued that lasting relationships require substantially more positive than negative interactions.

3 Reasons We Fall in Love With the Wrong Person

Given the weight we assign to negative qualities, why do we sometimes fall in love with people who are clearly bad for us? I........

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