The Fundamentals of Sex

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Sex may appear superficial, yet sexual infidelity is often experienced as love's deepest violation.

Change tends to fuel sexual desire, while familiarity often strengthens romantic attachment.

Sexual afterglow may contribute more to lasting relationship satisfaction than orgasm alone.

Love and sex exist on an intimacy continuum rather than as simple opposites.

Sex is often treated as one of the least profound aspects of enduring romantic love, yet sexual infidelity is experienced as one of love's deepest violations. How can we explain this paradox?

The paradox of sex in romantic relationships is that its positive contribution to a flourishing, enduring relationship may sometimes seem limited, providing largely momentary physical pleasure. Yet when it violates an exclusive bond, sex can carry enormous destructive power. Why does something often dismissed as "just sex" become the ultimate romantic betrayal?

Romantic love rests on two major evaluations: (a) a partner's attractiveness and (b) the praiseworthiness of the partner's traits and achievements. The first is typically expressed through sexual desire; the second deepens friendship, caring, and admiration. Although these evaluations are distinct, they often reinforce each other. Attractive partners are frequently perceived as possessing more admirable qualities, while admired partners often become more attractive. This duality reflects the ambiguous nature of sex: It may provide immediate physical pleasure while also strengthening a profound emotional bond.

To understand this paradox, I examine five related issues: the ambiguous nature of sex, the roles of change and familiarity, the distinction between making love and having sex, the intimacy continuum, and sexual afterglow.

The Ambiguous Nature of Sex

Sex can be viewed as serving two primary functions: bodily pleasure and relational connection. From the first perspective, sex need not threaten romantic love. Hence the familiar claim: "I had sex........

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