The Science of Mating

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Pickiness emphasizes standards; compromise emphasizes flexibility.

Highly selective individuals tend to report greater satisfaction once they find a suitable partner.

Romantic success depends on finding a suitable—not perfect—partner.

The ability to compromise while understanding a partner reflects relational maturity.

The abundance of romantic opportunities today makes it increasingly difficult not only to choose wisely but also to feel satisfied with one’s choices. Two common responses to this complexity are pickiness (high selectiveness) and compromising (flexibility). Which approach leads to greater romantic flourishing? The answer depends, in part, on the temporal dimension.

"Most people can't find love because they're picky, they overanalyze, and they find things wrong in people. We call them flaw finders."—Patti Stanger

Romantic pickiness reflects self-respect and the importance people assign to their values when choosing a partner. Its main advantages are long-term: selective individuals are often more motivated to find deeply compatible partners. Indeed, highly selective individuals tend to report greater satisfaction once they form a suitable relationship (Close and colleagues, 2025).

However, extreme pickiness has clear drawbacks, especially in the short term. Highly selective individuals encounter fewer acceptable partners and may remain stuck in an endless search for someone “better.” As a result, they are less likely to form relationships at all—even if the relationships they eventually form are of higher quality.

Some degree of selectiveness is clearly necessary. Yet excessive pickiness—often rooted in fear—is a significant contributor to prolonged singlehood, particularly among women. A central problem is the pursuit of a “perfect” partner. Romantic love does not reside solely in........

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