In which our heroes in Washington bravely combat the existential threat posed by a new Red Scare: artisanal sourdough, public libraries, and people who kindly ask you to recycle.

It was a dark and stormy Tuesday in Washington, D.C., when the brave men and women of the Senate realized, for the fortieth time this week, that the Republic was crumbling. And it wasn’t crumbling because of the crumbling infrastructure, or the debt, or the fact that the only affordable housing in the capital is a cardboard box behind a dry cleaner. No, the real threat—the one that keeps the red-faced stalwarts of democracy up at night, clutching their pearls and their pocket Constitutions—is the creeping, terrifying, unstoppable scourge of “far-left terrorism,” the new “Red Scare.”

Senator Marco Rubio, a man whose career has been a fascinating journey from the “young, hip hope of the Republican Party” to “the guy who spends his weekends drafting press releases about how a local zoning board meeting in Vermont is a Bolshevik plot,” has decided it is time. Not just for a committee, not just for a subcommittee, but for a High-Level Summit. A summit, mind you, that is going to be so high-level that the altitude alone might cause vertigo.

The goal? To finally get to the bottom of this “far-left terrorism” business. Because if there is one thing we can all agree on, it’s that the most pressing issue facing the average American family in 2026 is that their neighbor might be a radical militant because they have a “Coexist” bumper sticker on their Prius.

The Anatomy of a Threat: Why Your Bookshelf Is a Cache of WMDs

Let’s be clear about what this “far-left terrorism” and new red scare actually entails. When Senator Rubio speaks of these dangerous, shadow-dwelling insurrectionists, he isn’t talking about people who actually threaten physical violence. He’s talking about the real radicals: people who think the climate is changing and that healthcare should perhaps be more affordable than a luxury yacht.

In the lexicon of the modern........

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