How we learned to stop worrying and blame the Pacific Ocean’s most unruly foreign agitator, El Niño, for global warming.

Donald Trump held a special press conference to discuss the latest climatic projections and the projected effects of this year’s El Niño phenomenon from the world’s experts… below is the transcript of his commentary.

“Look, folks, we are talking about numbers. Big numbers. Beautiful, tremendous numbers that nobody has ever seen before, okay? The fake news—they come to me with tears in their eyes, they say, “Sir, what about the relative index?” And I tell them, look, nobody knows more about indexes than me. I have the best indexes.”

“Right now, the data is coming in, and it’s a total disaster. August? They’re telling me August was 2.3°C above average. Think about that! Two-point-three degrees. That’s hotter than a three-dollar steak cooked by a guy who hates America. It’s stronger compared to other El Niño years. Much stronger. Other years? Weak. Sad! They come in, they do a little bit of warming, they leave. Not this one. This one means business.”

“Now, what is an El Niño? Let’s be honest. El Niño. It sounds innocent, right? Sounds like a guy who wants to fix your roof or sell you an imported lawnmower. But I call it what it is: El Niño is a bad hombre. Total bad hombre, folks. He’s coming up from the Pacific, crossing international waters—nobody checks his passport, there’s no wall in the ocean, believe me, we need a wet wall, a very deep wall down to the seabed—and he’s just wreaking havoc.”

“In Australia, they’re looking at this guy, and they’re saying, “Oh boy, here he comes.” Because down there in Australia, El Niño years always coincide with hotter and drier conditions. They get the brushfires, they get the dust, they get the kangaroos jumping around looking for a glass of water that doesn’t exist. But here’s the thing—and the scientists, even the smart ones who agree with me on........

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