The Slightly Uncomfortable Conversations That'll Help Your Kids Become Well-Adjusted

"Social skills are built in discomfort. It’s not fun, but that’s how we learn.”

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For generations, we took social skills for granted. Parents just assumed that, through regular interaction with adults and peers at school and at home, their children would learn how to interact and communicate with others, encompassing everything from empathy and active listening to conflict resolution.

But then came the digital age.

Now, parents and experts alike have noticed that technology may be affecting these critical interpersonal tools and behaviours, with Gen Z and Gen Alpha demonstrating fewer social skills than their predecessors.

“I absolutely see a drop-off in kids’ social skills, and phones and social media are a big part of it,” observed JJ Kelly, a licensed clinical psychologist known as the “Punk Rock Doc.”

The issue here is that technology acts as a barrier — instead of a gateway — to better communication. It’s all too tempting for kids (and adults! I’m just as guilty of this behaviour) to hide behind a screen and say (or not say) what they want because the screens serve as a shield from the real world.

Parenting and life coach Randi Crawford believes that phones and other digital devices “replaced the practice of living IRL.” There was a time when kids would figure things out in real time, she says, through awkward conversations, reading the room, making friends, making mistakes and making adjustments. But now, kids and adults alike can “curate everything behind a screen.”

The downside to this behaviour, according to Kelly, is that technology “has taken away infinite numbers of daily opportunities to practice bravery in real life.”

This includes basic skills like making eye contact, navigating awkward moments, resolving conflict or saying something vulnerable in person. Instead of embracing opportunities for healthy conflict resolution, kids online resort to passive aggression, ghosting and public shaming. Kelly calls this “normalised hiding,” in which, instead of working through discomfort, she says, kids are “retreating behind a screen.”

“Kids aren’t getting worse. They’re just, very simply, getting fewer chances to practice being brave humans.- JJ Kelly, licensed clinical psychologist known as the “Punk Rock Doc.”

Kids aren’t getting worse. They’re just, very simply, getting fewer chances to practice being brave humans.

But it’s in discomfort that important social growth happens. “Social skills are built in discomfort,” said Crawford. “It’s not fun, but that’s how we learn.” So while it may feel safer to talk via text or social media, face-to-face interactions are still essential for developing communication skills.

Rest assured that this problem is solvable. “Kids aren’t getting worse,” Kelly emphasised. “They’re just, very simply, getting fewer chances to practice being brave humans.”

In-person social skills may feel like a relic from the 20th century, but in the right context, they can empower our 21st-century children.

These slightly uncomfortable conversations can have long-term positive effects.

Once you’ve established digital device boundaries with your kids and have provided a welcoming, safe space for them, it’s time to get down to business.

Kelly Gonderman, a licensed clinical psychologist and the clinical director at We Conquer Together in Orange County,........

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