Two things everyone should have learned by the time they reach adulthood: never tell an angry person to calm down and under no circumstances tell someone who's fretful not to panic. Unless you want to make things worse, that is.

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So my jaw dropped last week when Peter Khoury from the NRMA urged motorists not to panic over surging oil prices caused by the Middle East war.

What did motorists do upon hearing this sage advice? They panicked of course. Long queues formed at service stations and prices shot up as people rushed to fill tanks, drums and jerry cans.

Week two of the war and farmers are struggling to get fuel and supplies are running so low in the regions only emergency services can get them. This, we're told, is not because the country is running low. It's because people are panic buying. Fuel is the new toilet paper in this global emergency.

As soon as Khoury uttered those words intended to soothe, the goggled eyed 1970s comedian Marty Feldman popped up from the muddy recesses of memory.

One of my favourite skits featured two pilots bored rigid during a long-haul flight. To liven things up, the captain announces over the intercom: "Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. There is no cause for alarm." The alarm escalates from there as passengers are "reassured" that the wing is not on fire and that lifejackets can be found under their seats.

Panicking after being told not to panic is known as a paradoxical process or White Bear phenomenon. The brain constantly checks that we are not thinking about whatever is troubling us so it ends up dominating our thoughts - so much we do end up panicking. We pass a couple of service stations with long queues and pull into the next one. Just in case.

It happened with toilet paper during COVID when we saw ugly brawls over the Sorbent at the supermarket. We created the shortage because we feared a shortage. Like locusts, we stripped the shelves. No amount of reassurance that there would be enough to go around if only we stopped stockpiling the stuff changed that irrational behaviour. Eventually, thanks in part to limiting the number of rolls individuals could buy, the panic subsided and the jumbo packs returned.

Yet here we are again with fuel. Energy Minister Chris Bowen tells us in one breath there was no need to panic and in another that he was convening an urgent fuel taskforce of ministers and industry representatives. "Not one single shipload of diesel, petrol or jet fuel to Australia has been interrupted," he said. But in Question Time, Bowen revealed demand in Mildura by 100 per cent and a staggering 280 per cent in Adelaide Hills and Barossa.

The price of crude has been on a dizzying rollercoaster. After galloping past US$100 a barrel, sending stock markets around the world into the red, oil prices took a dive and stocks bounded back. All this on a hint from Donald Trump, who changes his tune from the beginning of a sentence to its end, that the war would soon be over.

Not everyone is convinced, including a senior geoeconomics analyst from the Commonwealth Bank, who predicted the war would drag on for months.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is absolutely no cause for alarm. The wing is not on fire.

HAVE YOUR SAY: Did you rush out to fill your tank when war broke out in the Middle East? Do you suspect service stations are taking advantage of oil uncertainty to jack up prices? Are you now more likely to consider an EV? Email us: echidna@theechidna.com.au

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IN CASE YOU MISSED IT:

- The war in the Middle East has triggered plans to tighten Australia's immigration laws, aimed at preventing tourists claiming asylum once they enter the country.

- One Nation has taken a narrow lead among voters in the Farrer electorate ahead of a looming by-election, polling has revealed.

- Desperate police concede a $250,000 reward could tempt bounty hunters to search for accused triple murderer Julian Ingram, as the victims' families seek closure.

THEY SAID IT: "The more the panic grows, the more uplifting the image of a man who refuses to bow to the terror." - Ernst Junger

YOU SAID IT: Channeling Donald Trump, John explained how the war was going tremendously, better than any war ever in the history of the world.

"Does Trump have a plan for the war?" Ian asks rhetorically. "He has lots of plans, which one do you want? Yesterday's, this mornings, Bibi's, Marco's, Pete's, or the ones from last week? Trump's got so many plans like you wouldn't believe. But as for the drapes and the ballroom, he ain't no Kevin McCloud."

Alan writes: "He's just a glorified game show host and failed real estate mogul who has been declared a bankrupt numerous times. He is totally bankrupt ethically too! What an absolute dipstick! What were they thinking?"

"Your monologue commentary on the war is a scarily true and clear depiction of how the Supreme Leader's mind seems to work (Supreme Leader of the US, that is)," writes David. "While there might be some reasons why it is reasonable for Australia to commit some assistance to the effort, it is also scary to see Albo and Richard Marles waltz right in without any commentary on Trump's failure to present a goal or endgame for the conflict. Australia following a brain-addled US president into war is not a pretty sight."

Phil writes: "Iran lasted eight years in a war against western backed Iraq. The Houthi have lasted many years against western backed Saudi Arabia. The Taliban outlasted the US for 20 years. The Gulf states that got dragged into this by hosting US forces are nearly out of ammunition. If the oil wells and oil tanker docks go up then we're in for ten years of economic mayhem. Trump is looking for an exit strategy and he'll do a TACO, claim victory and hope everyone forgets."

"Memo to Spain: can we have Sanchez?" writes Bob.

Daniel writes: "When Trump chose to once again pound Iran's 'already obliterated' nuclear capability, my mind seemed to drift to Heath Ledger's Joker, with his self reflection of 'Do I really look like a guy with a plan?' Given Trump's inability to clearly articulate an end goal (or anything else really), are we surprised? That said, I think the Australian government is walking the tightrope of Trump's boastful, helter skelter approach brilliantly."

"That was a bit scary to read - it sounded a bit too Trumpish," writes Sue. "The only part that didn't quite gel was the comment about not being around in 10 years' time. Was that an acknowledgment that he won't be able to extend his second term for life or that he won't be able to extend his life forever? Unlike your 'Trump' I don't see war as entertainment."

From the US, Carolyn writes: "I did not vote for Trump ever. I tried to get others to not vote for him. Their excuses: he's such a good businessman, he won't take us into another war, he'll release all the Epstein files. They didn't bother looking at all his businesses he bankrupted, his charities he was found guilty of cheating on. Now, we are in a war that he began, our gas prices have already risen, and the price of everything else will follow suit. He's responsible for the bombing of the school in Iran killing all those children as well as all the others and our soldiers. Trump is out of control. I'm so sorry for what he is doing to the rest of the world."

"John, brilliant," writes Hilary. "This is perfect Trump speech. It scares me that although hilariously accurate there is a real danger this Trumpian way of talking will seep into our lexicon, like that of Kath and Kim."

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