When Sam Dylan Finch was in his early 20s, he had the friend group he thought he always wanted. “We had holiday dinners, and game nights, and it felt really lovely,” he said.

But then, some dating within the friend group and then a death in the circle split them apart. People split up and chose who they wanted to stay friends with, Finch said, “and I was not the chosen friend.”

The whole experience sent Finch into “hermit mode,” where he began intensely analyzing his friendships and their patterns. He realized certain tendencies: He struggled to prioritize friendships the same way he prioritized romantic prospects, he was a people pleaser who felt he always had to earn people’s kindness, and he often sought friendships with people who were not emotionally available to him. And he would feel nervous when people were kind to him right off the bat — “It didn’t feel earned, and I didn’t feel like I deserved it.”

Realizing his patterns, Finch was determined to break them. He wanted to start intentionally cultivating friendships with the people who were kind, whose interactions left him feeling safe and nourished. He started by making a list of everyone in his orbit, from current friends to old friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. Then, in his phone contacts, “I challenged myself to put a strawberry emoji next to the people who were really kind to me,” he said. “The kind of warmth and kindness that made me nervous.”

This handful of “strawberry people” became Finch’s priority friends, and he even told some of them about his intentions to cultivate their friendship. He also put seedling emojis next to the names of people who challenged his ways of thinking and helped him grow.

“It completely changed my life,” said Finch. Clearly marking where he would channel his energy gave him a roadmap to building more........

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