For the last year and a half, Angela has been waging a silent corporate war with her boss. When the two women started working together in finance, they were peers. Even then, Angela felt this coworker was a little too judgmental when Angela took time off work, a little too comfortable asking Angela why she was avoiding her in the hallways. (Angela says she never purposely shirked her.)

But about seven months ago, the colleague was promoted to be Angela’s manager. Her behavior became even more intrusive, says Angela (Vox granted her a pseudonym to talk freely about her manager without repercussions). “When I have doctor’s appointments,” Angela, a 33-year-old who lives in Philadelphia, says, “she wants me to put them on her calendar and tell her what they are.” Her boss has even given her negative performance reviews that are in stark contrast to the praise she used to receive from previous managers.

Every day, Angela bites her tongue. But internally, she’s stewing on negative emotions. “I know that this is a problem with her and not with me, but the reason I’m feeling resentment is because it’s really pulling me down in all aspects of my life,” Angela says. “Because even if you know that you are not the problem, when somebody is coming at you every single day with aggression, it’ll bring anybody down.”

Resentment is the weapon we silently wield against partners, friends, family, colleagues, and neighbors for wrongs, either real or perceived.

Harboring feelings of resentment is more common than people probably would like to admit — it’s the weapon we silently wield against partners, friends, family, colleagues, and neighbors for wrongs, either real or perceived, that we can’t seem to forgive. The experience is so pervasive, says therapist and registered social worker Audrey Kao, she created a YouTube video summing up all the information she’d shared with clients.

Resentment is commonly described as festering or simmering, probably because it doesn’t just come out of nowhere. Envy is wanting what someone else has, according to psychologists, while jealousy is a fear of losing what you have to another person. These are more momentary feelings that can accumulate over time to resentment, Kao says, which is a response to repeatedly being made to feel inferior or being the victim of perceived injustices. Hear a friend discuss their lavish lifestyle long enough and mild annoyance and envy might curdle to resentment.

Opposed to envy and jealousy which are action-oriented emotions, resentment can be something you get stuck in. When people hold resentments, they often don’t take action to rectify the situation because “it’s easy to think that the other person’s behavior is the cause of our resentment,” Kao says, “and if only they didn’t behave this way, then I wouldn’t be like this.” You may be hesitant to bring up your feelings out of fear........

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