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Things We Hate and Love Online This Week

From Sydney Sweeney’s underwear to Don DeLillo’s hockey sex novel, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be is back.

By Adam Christopher Smith

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The column that is terminally online so that you don’t have to be.

It’s been a busy week for geopolitical AI experts, which is basically what all of us are these days. The end of the world seemed to be upon us before then being postponed—but now it’s maybe back on again? Who knows.

Either way, you’re going to have to come down from the loft and talk to your family at some point. So here’s our weekly roundup of doomscroller’s poison to drip into the ears of your loved ones, like so much olive oil dislodging the last of their sanity.

They probably won’t have any clue what you’re on about, but at least it’s better than awkward silence.

“There’s our little geopolitical AI expert! Why don’t you come downstairs and tell us more about your equity puts and how the Strait of Hormuz will lead to a global famine?” pic.twitter.com/LzhJjk4ShH— Ryan Watkins (@RyanWatkins_) March 19, 2026

“There’s our little geopolitical AI expert! Why don’t you come downstairs and tell us more about your equity puts and how the Strait of Hormuz will lead to a global famine?” pic.twitter.com/LzhJjk4ShH

You’ll find reasons for hope. And some things that’ll make you feel like perhaps oblivion wouldn’t be so bad. 

Kharg Island, off the coast of Iran, is a real map in Battlefield 3 and 5,000 US Marines are heading there right now. I'm gonna play it this weekend as geopolitical research.Then I'm going to post with authority about the war. pic.twitter.com/22i6FjZjUl— Landeur 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 (@Landeur) March 19, 2026

Kharg Island, off the coast of Iran, is a real map in Battlefield 3 and 5,000 US Marines are heading there right now. I'm gonna play it this weekend as geopolitical research.Then I'm going to post with authority about the war. pic.twitter.com/22i6FjZjUl

Ever feel like you’re trapped inside a video game, invisible developers coming up with elaborate ways to challenge you: long-range ballistic missiles, supply chain disruption, the rising price of oil? Well, here’s one way you can regain a semblance of control: by trying to seize Iran’s strategically important Kharg Island on Battlefield 3. I mean, the amount of restraint the U.S. is showing over the Middle East, they might as well be playing a first-person shooter. Press “F” to pay respects to the whole damn world.

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I keep reading about how war in the Gulf could lead to famine and even that doesn’t diminish my enjoyment of these videos of danwin888 diving headfirst through finger buffets. As far as I can gather his whole content niche is performing erratic........

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