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Things We Hate and Love Online This Week

From Sydney Sweeney’s underwear to Don DeLillo’s hockey sex novel, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be is back.

By Adam Christopher Smith

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The column that is terminally online so that you don’t have to be.

It’s been a busy week for geopolitical AI experts, which is basically what all of us are these days. The end of the world seemed to be upon us before then being postponed—but now it’s maybe back on again? Who knows.

Either way, you’re going to have to come down from the loft and talk to your family at some point. So here’s our weekly roundup of doomscroller’s poison to drip into the ears of your loved ones, like so much olive oil dislodging the last of their sanity.

They probably won’t have any clue what you’re on about, but at least it’s better than awkward silence.

“There’s our little geopolitical AI expert! Why don’t you come downstairs and tell us more about your equity puts and how the Strait of Hormuz will lead to a global famine?” pic.twitter.com/LzhJjk4ShH— Ryan Watkins (@RyanWatkins_) March 19, 2026

“There’s our little geopolitical AI expert! Why don’t you come downstairs and tell us more about your equity puts and how the Strait of Hormuz will lead to a global famine?” pic.twitter.com/LzhJjk4ShH

You’ll find reasons for hope. And some things that’ll make you feel like perhaps oblivion wouldn’t be so bad. 

Kharg Island, off the coast of Iran, is a real map in Battlefield 3 and 5,000 US Marines are heading there right now. I'm gonna play it this weekend as geopolitical research.Then I'm going to post with authority about the war. pic.twitter.com/22i6FjZjUl— Landeur 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 (@Landeur) March 19, 2026

Kharg Island, off the coast of Iran, is a real map in Battlefield 3 and 5,000 US Marines are heading there right now. I'm gonna play it this weekend as geopolitical research.Then I'm going to post with authority about the war. pic.twitter.com/22i6FjZjUl

Ever feel like you’re trapped inside a video game, invisible developers coming up with elaborate ways to challenge you: long-range ballistic missiles, supply chain disruption, the rising price of oil? Well, here’s one way you can regain a semblance of control: by trying to seize Iran’s strategically important Kharg Island on Battlefield 3. I mean, the amount of restraint the U.S. is showing over the Middle East, they might as well be playing a first-person shooter. Press “F” to pay respects to the whole damn world.

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I keep reading about how war in the Gulf could lead to famine and even that doesn’t diminish my enjoyment of these videos of danwin888 diving headfirst through finger buffets. As far as I can gather his whole content niche is performing erratic breakdancing moves at social gatherings and in public places. Unpredictable times produce unpredictable heroes, I guess.

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Not saying I was born to be a generational hero who authors a masterful contemplation on morality and love, but this one hit different. I’m writing this while waiting for a taxi to arrive with my second McDonald’s of the day and meanwhile the world’s leaders are holed-up in their modern day Eagle’s Nests, keeping the world burning and the Krug on ice. 

SEVEN DOGS STOLEN FROM THEIR OWNS IN CHINA

Seven dogs stolen from their owners have gone viral after escaping from an illegal transport truck and making their way home.They traveled around 17 km together, led by a corgi across highways and fields, now safely back with their respective owners..🐶🐾🥺❤️ pic.twitter.com/H5VB9BQkGB— 𝕐o̴g̴ (@Yoda4ever) March 23, 2026

Seven dogs stolen from their owners have gone viral after escaping from an illegal transport truck and making their way home.They traveled around 17 km together, led by a corgi across highways and fields, now safely back with their respective owners..🐶🐾🥺❤️ pic.twitter.com/H5VB9BQkGB

Marty Supreme would’ve been much less stressful if there had been a fat little corgi leading the charge. I thought it was meant to be a movie about ping pong, so why am I still worrying about what happened to that guy’s dog? Fortunately, in the real world (or is it? Part of me still refuses to believe this isn’t an elaborate AI hoax) these guys came through their scrape a little better. They have won the Oscar for Best Supporting Cast in my heart—and when Jack Black voices the Corgi in the Pixar adaptation, he will probably sweep the board.

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I thought technology would free me from a life of drudgery, but somewhere along the way I ended up as a 21st century cyber peasant, my body hunched and twisted into a grotesque silhouette by years of pointless desk work. My Instagram algorithm must know how many hours are on that clock, because my feed these days is full of increasingly bizarre fascial release techniques and vagus nerve stimulation exercises. I mention them not because they necessarily work but because turning yourself into a medieval gargoyle in the hope of some fleeting physical relief seems to reveal the true face of life today.  

“STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS, PLEASE”

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On first appearances, the Danish capital of Copenhagen is an orderly, civilized place—but it’s not hard to find chaos lurking just beneath the surface. Once a year, underground DJs descend on the city’s Metro line for a train rave. Last time, Hekt got the crowd bouncing so hard that it felt like the carriages were gonna come off the rails. So just be careful not to get too carried away if you listen to his new single “Someday” on your morning commute.

Absolute funniest and most thematically perfect end to Don DeLillo’s career would be his hockey sex novel becoming a TikTok sensation and outselling all his other bookshttps://t.co/3bmZrmncdP— David Hering (@hering_david) March 23, 2026

Absolute funniest and most thematically perfect end to Don DeLillo’s career would be his hockey sex novel becoming a TikTok sensation and outselling all his other bookshttps://t.co/3bmZrmncdP

Good news for fans of face guards and jockstraps: they’re going to reissue Don DeLillo’s hockey sex novel Amazons (originally published in 1980 under the pseudonym Cleo Birdwell)  —a book which glided effortlessly across the ice, so that 45 years later, gay romance drama Heated Rivalry could pull off its pads and gloves and do butt stuff in your living room.

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The bar for rap names must be lower than I thought if you can call yourself The Game when this is your idea of a pickup line. Screenshots show how the Compton legend has been sliding into women’s DMs and simply saying “F3,” before following up with: “Oh shit… my bad, I saw a snack and thought this was a vending machine.” If you think this is slick I can only assume you’re the kind of person who’d ignore the warning signs and topple a 500 pound unit onto your own head in a desperate attempt to free a trapped packet of peanut M&Ms.

SYDNEY SWEENEY’S EYE’S WIDE SHUT

My X feed is a complete mess right now, just wall to wall posts about secret societies and occult rituals, so the last thing I need is for Sydney Sweeney to pose for a lingerie shoot like she’s on her way to the masked ball in Eyes Wide Shut. Now the thirst traps are conspiracy-coded, I can’t even escape the Illuminati in my goon cave. 

THE WORLD WAS A MESS BUT HIS HAIR WAS PERFECT

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I didn’t realize when The Rakes released their second record, Ten New Messages, that I was living through a world historical moment. I’m sure Janine Warren’s book on the UK’s “last true indie scene” will be a great read, I’m just personally struggling to accept that I’m old enough to be experiencing nostalgia porn for the era of Facebook photo dumps.

A viral track repeating just two words,“Yanis Varoufakis,” is spreading across Russia's clubland. Created by a Moscow DJ, the tune has taken off among zoomers, with critics linking its appeal to a revival of 90s/early 2000s techno. The irony is that most listeners likely have… pic.twitter.com/aTOwiqK590— Brian McDonald (@BrianMcDonaldIE) March 20, 2026

A viral track repeating just two words,“Yanis Varoufakis,” is spreading across Russia's clubland. Created by a Moscow DJ, the tune has taken off among zoomers, with critics linking its appeal to a revival of 90s/early 2000s techno. The irony is that most listeners likely have… pic.twitter.com/aTOwiqK590

Club kids in Putin’s Russia are raving to a techno tune that repeats the words “Yanis Varoufakis” over and over again. In fairness, it’s a banger, but I can’t in good faith recommend it while the Greek intellectual is facing charges under his home country’s pathetic drug laws after admitting taking a pill 40 years ago. He needs to be free to drop E at EDM festivals around the world as a crowd of gurning wreckheads chant his name.

“IRIS” BY THE GOO GOO DOLLS (SZA COVER)

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The cultural return of “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls was troubling us last week, and it continues to trouble us still. Taking the viral “What were you like in the 90s?” trend to yet another hauntological level, SZA has shared some family photographs alongside a “deep fried” cover version of “Iris,” which is enough to ensure that 1998’s most popular recently-divorced karaoke choice haunts us for another 28 years. I don’t want to be around for what happens if she releases the full version.

UK POLITICS SIMULATOR 

…yeah sounds good pic.twitter.com/XH53XieTe2— Aidan James (@mcandidate) March 18, 2026

…yeah sounds good pic.twitter.com/XH53XieTe2

When I find myself overwhelmed at the state of the world and the impossiblity of political change, the only thing which provides comfort is Football Manager. I immerse myself in this elaboration simulation, losing days to my Chapecoense save, leading the Brazilian side back to success after their devastating 2016 plane crash. Now, even this dubious form of escapism has been stolen from me as there’s a video game on the way that has been described as “Football Manager for politics.” Instead of watching the World Cup this summer, I’ll be playing UK Politics Simulator, endlessly quitting and reloading the game until finally Jeremy Corbyn wins a general election.

Follow Adam on Instagram: @yungtolstoi

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