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[Home from the EU Summit, March 19, 2026, pictured above]

Oh, thank the Lord.  It’s been so hectic here without you.  But I explained to the kids that you needed to go to the meeting in Brussels to respond to the Iran war.  We finished dinner, but I left you a bowl of soup to microwave, a sandwich, and a slice of pie.

Thanks, but we dine like kings at these EU events.  No expense spared.  And the champagne flows.  So I’ll just go off to bed.

Was it a productive meeting?

God, yes.  One of our best ever.  We passed a resolution opposing a wider war.

Well, that would have been quite enough, but we also expressed unanimous support for diplomacy, condemned the unfortunate attacks by Iran on its neighbors, and distanced ourselves from the offensive strikes by Israel and that madman Trump.

Yes, but are any of you going to do anything?

This is getting tiresome.  If you must know, we expressed our readiness to take defensive measures if Iran escalates further.

Escalates further?  They’ve attacked ships, sent hundreds of missiles and drones, murdered tens of thousands of their citizens, sponsored terrorism throughout the world, and sought the destruction of Western civilization for the past four decades.

Yes.  Exactly.  And if they escalate further, they better be prepared for us to attend another meeting in Brussels.

So you are not going to assist in clearing the Straits of Hormuz?

Of course we are assisting.  Haven’t you been listening?  We have emphasized de-escalation, diplomacy and regional stability.

But no military action?

No. We defeated the Spanish proposal to join the war on the side of Iran. We thought that it might appear hypocritical to urge restraint on all the parties and then bomb Tel Aviv.

You are taking no action against Iran?

Oh, my.  You are just like your mother, or a dog with a bone.  We have advised Iran in very strong terms that we object to their ballistic missile and nuclear programs.  And we have asked them not to televise public hangings of dissenters until after 8:00 pm Greenwich time.

Don’t you feel that you are letting down your allies, not to mention Western civilization?

We have all advised Iran that we did not participate in US or Israeli strikes.  We feel that it would be less than honorable to retreat from that position.  But we have expressed our solidarity through meaningful diplomatic channels, urging them to keep a stiff upper lip and all that.  And the UK said it would have sent ships to protect UK assets, if it had ships, which it unfortunately does not.  Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves (in the jacuzzi).

Is there not a single man among you?

You are getting insolent.  Macron, who disappeared into a room with his wife and emerged with a black eye, was in quite a fighting mood.  You probably won’t believe the courage and audacity, but he called for a complete moratorium on strikes targeting energy infrastructure.

So France is prepared to lend a hand, perhaps to show Iran how to retreat and surrender?

Of course not!  He said “France is not part of this war.”  He did however say that France would be prepared to provide security assistance, but only after all the bombing and fighting stops.

It sounded better in French.

You are a bunch of losers.

Didn’t you listen?  We are  ready to support “necessary and proportionate defensive action” if Iran attacks.

What do you think being an ally means?

We are very cognizant of our alliance commitments, but at dinner, after the pheasant, we determined that those need to be balanced with a strong diplomatic posture, condemning Iran but avoiding direct participation in offensive operations.

What position is that?  Supine?

No.  We are condemning them in the strongest terms.  Over cognac, we had a little contest as to who could come up with the strongest language.  You must understand that we are all under extreme pressure to come up with the right wording to balance our traditional positions in the Middle East.  We feel that we really went out on a limb here.

© The Times of Israel (Blogs)