These are the forbidden phrases the NRL won’t let you hear

August 8, 2026 — 5:00am

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Media memo No.1From: The office of the NRL director of approved opinions

Thank you, all. Now, as you no doubt suspected, our beloved leader, Kim Il PVL is busy right now, on the blower to his close personal friend, the Pope. Yes, of course he’s used the very number that “Poppo” – as he calls him – provided after a racing dinner a few years ago.

He’s great at numbers. They’re sorting out the conflict between the Pope’s scheduled appearance at Randwick Racecourse on the Sunday of the long weekend in October 2028 and the NRL grand final, which is on the same day. Kim Il PVL is rightly of the view that the needs of one of the most revered men in the world will have to come first in this delicate matter – so the Pope will have to reschedule.

Yes, the Pope might rule at the Vatican, but not in Sydney, and NOT at Randwick Racecourse. Let PVL tell you that for nothing.

In the meantime, His Lord Leagueiness has asked me to take you through the changes we at the NRL wish to bring in to eliminate conflicts of interest among media commentators, and ensure that coverage of the game will henceforth, hereto with pursuant, be as positive as a Lance Armstrong drug test.

I am not taking the piss. You do it.

So, when it comes to the Conflict-Free Commentary Initiative, you will find it’s our way or the highway. So anticipating your refusal to register such conflicts – as Phil Gould for one, I’m sure wants to keep his relationship with the Bulldogs a secret – I’ve called cabs for all you blokes with other gigs in the game, including Matty Johns, Gorden Tallis, Billy Slater, Johnathan Thurston, Braith Anasta and Cooper Cronk, for starters.

Just hand in your badge, leave your microphones on the desk and your accreditation at reception.

For those who remain – by whom I mean you, Bern the intern and Sid the coffee kid – congratulations! You have been selected to participate in PVL’s Positive Commentary Program. Under the new guidelines, which we’ll shortly be pinning to your forehead and chiselling on to the tombstone of your independence, there will be: no further criticism of refs, the bunker, the NRL, expansion plans and the game. And NEVER, EVER will there be any criticism of His Lord Leaguiness himself.

Approved phrases include: “The fans are going wild”; “This is the best game since Christ led the Jerusalem Jesuits to victory over the Roman Rovers”; and “Another masterstroke by His Lord Leaguiness!”

“Do you think PVL has gone barking mad.”A forbidden comment under the NRL’s new rules

Forbidden expressions include: “What were they........

© The Sydney Morning Herald