John Lewis’s new ‘heirloom splendour’ Christmas range features baubles that mimic a miniature vacuum cleaner, sewing machine, TV – permitted its status in the collection by dint of its bulbous antenna – and a morose-looking pink dog presumably modelled on a Staffordshire figurine.

If one were to decorate an entire tree in these monstrosities, it would cost upwards of £300 – that is if you followed the advice of that other seasonal stalwart M&S, which opines: ‘We recommend 40 filler baubles as your base layer, 18 statement pieces and eight collectable ornaments for added wow factor.’ If you were to try to separate your statements from your collectibles, there’s more: ‘Choose novelty decorations, such as dinosaurs, roller-skating dogs and mirror balls to create an eclectic theme.’ Sure, if you want that theme to be ‘Jurassic Park meets Jerusalem’.

This year’s John Lewis Christmas hellscape also includes the ‘worldly treasures’ section. If it were a lesser retailer, it would no doubt be hauled over the coals – or at least receive some in its stocking – for borderline racism. A Chinese dragon head grins alongside a stylised soy sauce........

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