Alex* was positively seething at his friend’s suggestion to “be a bit more resilient” in the face of a recent setback at work.

“I wonder what they meant by that?” I queried, attempting to strike the delicate balance between acknowledging Alex’s distress while resisting assumptions about the friend’s intention in using the word.

For Alex, the suggestion sparked anger, disappointment and a sense of demoralisation. Being told to “be resilient” can be comparable to telling someone in the midst of an anxiety attack to simply “calm down”, or advising a new mother to counteract fatigue by “sleeping when the baby sleeps” – perhaps well-intentioned, but simplistic and generally unhelpful.

Like many people, Alex had taken “resilient” to mean “invincible”. Instead of “you can manage this”, he heard “get over it”. He craved comfort and encouragement in that moment, but instead heard words synonymous to “harden up”. The gravity of his worry was minimised, his concerns dismissed.

Gaining strength by enduring adversity is part of resilience, but these simplistic terms belie its true nature.

Resilience refers to an extraordinary but ordinary process – successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life events, while drawing on past resources to face new challenges. Significant psychological growth is made through response and........

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