Something tragic is happening with young Australians and sex. Violence has slipped into their bedrooms disguised as intimacy and there's no shortage of suspects.

Subscribe now for unlimited access.

Login or signup to continue reading

A culture of aggression and humiliation that once dwelled in sexuality's darker shadows has been ushered into the mainstream by easily accessed pornography, social media and that malignant manosphere preaching misogyny and seething with resentment toward women.

The data is staggering. A study by the universities of Melbourne and Queensland of almost 5000 people between the ages of 18 and 35 found 57 per cent had been strangled during sex. Six in 10 young women reported being choked.

Ponder that. Choking - an act most of us instinctively regard as violence - has been rebranded as intimacy between lovers.

Sexual choking, also known as erotic asphyxiation, was once confined to the fringes of sexual culture, partly as a means of heightening arousal. But restricting blood and oxygen flow to the brain can have catastrophic consequences like stroke, seizures and permanent brain damage.

Last week a 16-year-old Sydney girl died in hospital after being found unconscious at home. Police reportedly believe she lost consciousness after being choked during sex, but are yet to officially confirm the cause of death.

This unbearably sad story quickly produced a familiar response when Warringah MP Zali Steggall called on the federal government to roll out a national public awareness campaign to improve the sexual health and relationships of young Australians.

Something certainly needs to be done. Government and schools have a role in convincing young people that strangling a partner is not an act of intimacy. And the porn and social media giants clearly have yet another case to answer when it comes to taking responsibility for their product.

But there's one thing missing from this line-up of the usual suspects: parents.

If teenagers are learning about sex from porn sites and online misogynists surely our first reaction shouldn't be what is the government going to do about it, but what are we doing about it?

Where are the fathers making it clear that pornography is not a sexual instruction manual just as The Fast and The Furious is not a driving lesson?

Where are the parents teaching children about tenderness, affection, respect and empathy? Who is watching what our children watch? Who shoulders ultimate responsibility for making young people understand that violent acts have no place in a relationship?

These are awkward, sometimes excruciating, conversations. Welcome to parenting, where outsourcing life's most difficult discussions to government shouldn't be our first response.

Federal and state governments already fund campaigns about consent. Its fundamental role in relationships is now a mandatory subject in the Australian curriculum. If that has still led to a significant social failure then perhaps much of the responsibility lies closer to home.

Yet in our increasingly complex lives we've adopted a curious new reflex. When something goes........

© The Examiner