With another octogenarian president once again spending his time yelling at people to get off his proverbial lawn–which is fair, given that it’s currently a construction site–and with the Silver Alert for Mitch McConnell still pending, American voters are pondering a deja vu-inducing, if not dementia-inducing, question: when does way-too-old become definitely-too-old? It’ll take a lot of thought.

In the meantime, when McConnell eventually changes out of that one shirt he’s been wearing for the past… 50-some days and returns to the Capitol, there are some important steps to take (and a secure handrail to install next to said steps) to ensure that our government can be run efficiently in its 250th year by the golden oldies in charge.

A tried-and-true incentive strategy borrowed from the restaurant world will certainly help keep our leaders energized: the Early Bird Voter Special! Aging members of Congress who show up to cast their votes early will now be able to cash in on some perks, such as a free denture cleaning or first dibs on a bowl of hard candy. Bonus prizes will go to those who can identify the bill they are voting on and their stance on the issue without being prompted by........

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