When we grieve for a friend who has died, we face multiple concerns.

For older people, the loss of a long-term friend means we have lost a life witness.

We sometimes grieve for the loss of a difficult friendship because not every good friendship is easy.

There is a special kind of grief when, in older life, a longtime friend dies. The grief is complicated by its lack of place in the norms of mourning, sometimes called "disenfranchised grief" because friends are not formally recognized as mourners.[1]

Many years ago I wrote a book about friendships with Ruthellen Josselson in which we delved into the pains and pleasures of female friendships across the lifespan.[2] One important theme girls spoke about was loss. Young girls lose friends as yesterday’s best friend gravitates to another buddy or as a confidant reveals a secret behind her back. Women lose friends through uneasy competition and conflict and a sense of betrayal, while some friendships simply melt away as we move to a different city or become absorbed in new duties and demands.

In a recent conversation with Ruthellen, she reflected on how our relative youth at the time of writing blinded us to a significant element in friendship: the loss we suffer when a friend dies. My own recent experiences have challenged me to focus on this topic.

The Many Faces of Grief

Grief at the death of a friend has many different aspects. There is sadness via empathy. I feel sad for my friend, for the pain she might have endured throughout the last months of life and for her unspent productivity. I feel sad for her partner, to whom I........

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