"You look tired" can trigger sudden self-consciousness and shift your self-perception instantly.

Even well-intended appearance comments can increase body dissatisfaction and self-doubt.

Compliments on appearance—even positive—often cause discomfort, especially in professional settings.

Not every perception from others deserves authority over how you see yourself.

It’s hard to know what to say in response. Saying “Thanks” might sound sarcastic. Saying “I’m fine” can sound a little defensive. If you ask, “Do I really look that bad?” you’ve invited someone to provide a more detailed commentary on your appearance, which you probably didn’t want in the first place.

Usually the person means no harm. They may even be trying to show concern. Still, the comment can change your experience of yourself almost instantly. A moment earlier, you were thinking about the meeting, the conversation, or whatever you were doing. Now you’re wondering what your face looks like. Do I look older today? Are my eyes puffy? Do I look sick? Is everyone else noticing this too?

Now you’re seeing yourself through their eyes, whether you wanted to or not.

That shift is one of the questions I explore in my forthcoming book, Being Seen. Other people’s perceptions inevitably become part of how we understand ourselves, but sometimes they arrive when we didn’t ask for them. A casual remark may stay with us long after the person who made it has moved on.

When a Comment Changes What You Notice

We can learn a great deal about ourselves through other people. They can tell us that we seem confident, distracted, intimidating, funny, anxious, warm, or........

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