I’ve posted my definition of emotional abuse in the past. I’m repeating it now because I'm continually asked for it by media, clients, and readers.

Emotional abuse is deliberately making loved ones feel afraid or bad about themselves so they will do what the abuser wants or as punishment for not doing what the abuser wants.

We have enormous power over the well-being of loved ones. With that power comes responsibility to protect and nurture. Abusers violate their responsibility and their humane values, due to resentment, entitlement, and addiction to blame. When resentment, entitlement, and addiction to blame persist, emotional abuse is inevitable.

I started my career working with domestic violence perpetrators and victims, probably because I grew up in a violent home. After a decade or so, I switched to emotional abuse for two reasons. The first is prevention. Domestic Violence (DV) is almost always preceded by emotional abuse. If we can stop that, we can prevent violence. The second reason might be a surprise. All the victims of DV whom I worked with insisted that emotional abuse was worse than the physical harm they suffered.

Except for the most extreme cases, violence in families tends to occur occasionally, in predictable cycles. Emotional abuse typically happens every day. When someone hits you, it’s easier to see........

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