What Is Assertiveness?

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Compassionate assertiveness engages the reflective brain, where cooperative decisions are made.

Demands, resentment, and anger engage the autopilot brain, which is defensive and resistant.

The words we use in compassionate assertiveness are not nearly as important as our emotional demeanor.

Purposely hurtful behavior, threats, and dishonesty are not negotiable or subject to requests.

In their first consultation visit, most of my clients suspect that increasing compassion in their relationships means that they must tolerate, condone, or excuse bad behavior. Quite the opposite. Modeling compassion helps partners behave in accordance with their deeper values, which will make them better partners. They learn compassionate assertiveness - standing up for their rights, opinions, and preferences, while respecting the rights, opinions, preferences, and vulnerabilities of loved ones.

Consideration of our partner’s vulnerabilities means that we try to empower, not devalue, and never make our partners feel ashamed or afraid. We ask for cooperation, not submission.

Compassionate assertiveness typically engages the reflective brain, where we make cooperative decisions. Demands, resentment, and anger engage the autopilot brain, which is defensive, resistant, and prone to retaliation.

Compassionate assertiveness is easier when we recognize that partners do not have to do what we want, and that we need to appreciate when they do. Appreciation is likely to evoke cooperation. Demands will almost certainly cause resistance and conflict.

The A’s below are examples of compassionate assertiveness. Compare them to the B’s and decide which you prefer, which are more likely to increase your self-value, and which are more likely to inspire cooperation.

A: What do you think of doing X? Does it seem fair to you?B: If you don’t do X, you’re selfish.

A: I know we’re both busy, but could we make time to do X together? B: You never make time for me, it’s always what you want.

A: I know in your heart you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but that put me a little on edge. Can we lower the tone? We need to be respectful.B: You’re scaring me. You’re selfish, inconsiderate, and abusive.

The words we use in compassionate assertiveness are not nearly as important as our emotional demeanor when we speak. Emotional demeanor – facial expressions, body language, tone of voice – is determined by what we feel, not by what we say. Before making a behavior request, we must rid ourselves of entitlement, regard our partners as equals, and be sure that we sincerely want cooperation, not obedience or submission. The rights, opinions, and preferences of partners are equal. When they conflict, they must be negotiated respectfully, with sympathy for each other’s vulnerabilities, and without character judgments.

Before we speak, it’s helpful to think of what we appreciate about our partners and remind ourselves of how important their well-being is to us.

Violations of humane values - purposely hurtful behavior, threats, and dishonesty - are not negotiable. They must cease completely. 

What Is Assertiveness?

Take our Assertiveness Test

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