The worldwide polarization surrounding us cannot help but seep into our intimate relationships. I’ve seen more adversarial relationships in the past decade than in the three preceding decades of my clinical practice.

Untreated adversarial relationships are bound to fail because there is no finder of fact—no judge or jury. Partners need to convince each other, which they cannot do while trying to prove they’re right and their partners are wrong.

Adversarial partners cannot repair their damaged relationships while locked in negative judgments and cynical characterizations of each other. The behavioral motivation of negative judgments and characterizations is avoid or attack. (Avoid and attack motivations are evident in body tension, facial expressions, and tone of voice, even when not articulated.) We cannot repair adversarial relationships in avoid or attack modes. That is why contempt is a major predictor of divorce, as the research of John Gottman first demonstrated in the 1990s.

Unlike true adversaries, intimate partners care about each other, even when they disagree. They must try to understand and reconcile, not refute or undermine.........

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