Ask Matt what bothers him most in his relationship with Asha, and he says that he feels nagged, criticized, and micromanaged and wishes there was more sex. Ask Asha the same question; she says she feels she’s doing a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of kids and chores, and when she tries to talk to Matt about it, he either gets defensive or, more likely, shuts down. She feels dismissed and neglected and wants more emotional intimacy.

Matt and Asha’s complaints are among the most common ones I hear in couple therapy. Not only do Asha and Matt have different needs and gripes, but they are locked in a destructive pattern. It’s hard for Asha to talk to Matt about chores without his feeling nagged and criticized, which in turn turns into defensiveness. This only increases Ashe’s frustration, so she presses harder, which fuels Matt’s feeling of here-we-go-again, leading him to shut down eventually. Both wind up feeling worse at the end than when they started, with their stories reinforced: Asha’s that Matt doesn’t care, Matt’s that he never gets a break. The tense emotional climate leaves Asha without the emotional connection she’s seeking and leaves Matt feeling sexually neglected. Neither is getting what they need.

For some couples, this dysfunctional loop can all........

© Psychology Today