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Building our lives around the approval of others keeps us from truly living our own.

It is the fear of others' reactions that holds us back. Breaking out is about approaching our anxiety.

The key is recognizing when our fear has taken over & challenging ourseives to step outside our comfort zone.

Of course, there are narcissists who seek as much recognition and approval from others as they can, but that’s not usually who I see in my practice. Instead, it’s the more average Joe or Jane who struggles not because they crave power, but because they're afraid of conflict and upsetting others. They feel stressed and pulled by wanting acceptance and approval from too many masters. And they’re tired of shaping their lives around others—essentially living their lives to fulfill others' needs and expectations rather than their own. They know what they’re doing; they just don’t know how to stop. This is their Achilles’ heel.

What keeps them from stopping is not only habit and autopilot but also fear of what might happen if they stop accommodating others. If you’re feeling the same, here are several questions to help you break free:

#1: How would your life change in a positive way if you stopped worrying about others’ approval?

Can you imagine being free from the anxiety of constantly wondering what others might think? What would you do differently than you're doing now? How would you feel in your everyday life?

#2: What do you fear?

Maybe you naturally assume the worst: that others will be disappointed, push back, criticize, or get angry. The confrontation you learned long ago to avoid will now come up again.

Or, maybe something else—fear rejection and possible loss—that your connection to others is tethered by your willingness to accommodate; once you give that up, they will pull away, leaving you alone. Or, perhaps you worry that you could swing too far to the other side, changing who you are, replacing walking on eggshells with selfishness, becoming that narcissist who tosses empathy aside and only cares about themselves.

Your fears and beliefs are what have kept you doing what you do. Once you’re aware of them, you can change them.

#3: What if the worst-case actually happens?

One way to manage anxiety is by learning to reduce it. However, sometimes the cause is real, and the best solution is to have a plan so you can mentally set it aside rather than constantly obsess over it.

Okay, so what if the worst-case scenario happens? Maybe your supervisor gets angry because you complained about the new work schedule, or you get fired because you can’t adjust to it. Or, you confront your partner about their credit card spending or drinking, and not only do they explode, but you also get divorced. Or, maybe your best friend says, 'I don’t know what’s come over you,' and ends the relationship.

#4: Are you able to survive? Can you imagine what your next move might be?

This is the time to replace your emotional brain with your rational one. Yes, you have skills and could find another job. Divorce will be a tough transition for a couple of years; you’re a sensitive parent and must make sure your kids get the support and care they might need. Having learned the lessons of your marriage, maybe you’ll find someone new who’s a better fit. And if your best friend walks away, you’ll mourn the loss, but you know you're capable of forming new friendships.

Take our Generalized Anxiety Disorder Test

Find a therapist to combat fear and anxiety

But what if I can’t, you say—find another job, relationship, or friend? This isn't about personality or circumstances but about learning skills. Again, here's a suggestion:

Practice approaching what you’ve been avoiding.

Fear controls you; it/s what fuels the “I can’t”. It's time to push back by learning to endure strong negative emotions; raising your tolerance involves taking small, manageable steps outside your comfort zone.

So, when you get the wrong change at Starbucks or your partner leaves her clothes scattered around the bedroom again, and your instinct is to let it go, don’t. Go back and show the Starbucks worker your receipt. Say something to your partner about her scattered clothes, even if it takes you three days to get up the courage to do so. And if talking about it feels too challenging, write a note and leave it on the kitchen counter.

Upgrade the script and skills.

Seeking approval is a habit learned long ago as a way to cope with others. As a child, you had limited options and did the best you could, but now it’s time to do what you couldn’t then. The challenge is to become less afraid by learning new skills, stepping outside your comfort zone, taking risks, and discovering that what you expect to happen often doesn’t.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Taibbi, R. (2017). Boot camp therapy: Action-oriented approaches to anxiety, anger, & depression. New York: Norton.

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