Why Relationships Matter

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Fights with people you care about often begin as an effort to raise a sensitive issue.

Before raising the issue, think about your desired outcome for the conversation.

Identify your emotional needs underlying the desired outcome. Why does this matter to you?

“You never pick up your socks!”

“You don’t appreciate everything I do for you! All you see are socks on the floor.”

We’ve all had fights like this with people we care about. You can’t hold in your frustration any longer, so you let it out—only to learn that your partner (or child, or friend) has been holding in their frustration too. You both walk away feeling worse.

But neither of you wanted to fight. You both wanted to communicate.

Here’s how to turn that fight into a discussion that brings you closer together, instead of driving you apart.

1. Before you speak, consider the purpose of the conversation

Before you say anything, decide what you are trying to achieve through this conversation.

Your partner is aware their socks are on the floor. Are you asking them to simply pick up the socks? If so, a more effective way would be to say, “Could you put your socks in the hamper?” This way, you’re asking for the behavior you want, rather than judging........

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