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The framing of going no contact as a "trend" is damaging on multiple fronts.

The current public discourse around estrangement ignores many key aspects and invalidates the experience.

Therapists must be non-assumptive about a client's motivations and decision to go no contact.

A podcast episode hosted by Oprah Winfrey last November has, as of today, over five million views. The title of that episode is “Oprah Explores the Rising Trend of Going No Contact with Your Family.” There is something immediately problematic about the titling of this episode: the use of the word “trend,” and the framing by many influencers that family estrangement is like a “fad” or “in vogue.”

This framing of something as psychologically wounding as going no contact is not only unhelpful but deeply insulting, and the fact is that it is mainly influencers, not mental health or psychology experts, who are responsible for framing it this way. Certainly, it gets them clicks, likes, listens, and downloads, but it doesn’t do much for those of us who have had to make the painful decision to go no contact.

I have been no contact with my parent for a decade. My reasons are mine—they are valid and only I know and fully understand why this was the right decision for me. That decision was arrived at not because it seemed “trendy,” but rather because I had exhausted every other option for reconciliation or a healthy relationship.

Let me tell you this from experience: going no contact with a family member is an extraordinarily, indescribably painful decision. It is a decision a person doesn’t arrive at lightly and certainly doesn’t arrive at because it’s “trendy.” It is a decision that haunts you on an almost daily basis as you agonize over whether you’ve done the right thing and as you grieve over and over again for what might have been—and as you painfully accept that it never can be that way and that your best option is remove yourself from the relationship.

Another popular yet untrue myth in the current public discourse on estrangement is that therapists push this on their clients. It is, in fact, often the opposite: some therapists assume that everyone wants to work towards reconciliation. I can tell you from experience: while we often wish reconciliation were a viable option, we ultimately recognize that it is not possible nor healthy, and that we are better served by choosing distance. Therapists must take a non-assumptive position with clients who are considering going no contact or who have already made that personal choice. We must not push a particular agenda on our clients but rather seek to understand the unique family dynamics in which they exist.

The use of the word “trend” regarding estrangement is damaging on multiple fronts. First, it falsely positions the decision as impulsive and not thought-out. Nothing could be further from the truth: Those who have gone no contact have likely been through a long and painful process of arriving at their decision. Second, the word robs individuals of their autonomy: following a trend implies a “follower” mentality, in which we are influenced by what is mainstream and popular. Again, this is far from the truth: Those of us who are estranged must actually cope with a sense of “otherness” and a very different family dynamic than the general population. Finally, the word “trend” implies that there is a status attached to going no contact. Estrangement cannot be compared to a designer handbag or a high-end pair of shoes. The decision has nothing to do with status or social positioning.

Nobody who has gone through the heartbreaking experience of deciding to go no contact with a family member considers themselves to be a “trendsetter.” And we simply cannot look at dynamics as complex as estrangement the same way we look at Labubu dolls or other passing fads. Going no contact is not a fashion or a fad; it is a deeply painful decision, but a choice that is made in the name of autonomy, healing, self-respect, self-preservation, and courage.

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