The Fundamentals of Sex

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Winning an argument can boost your desire. The trouble is, it does the opposite to the person you just beat.

Conflict can trigger testosterone in men and cortisol in women, pulling one away from sexual desire.

Desire often depends less on resolution and more on emotional safety after disagreement.

Couples with great sex lives still argue. They just fight in a way that leaves both people still connected.

Mark, a 37-year-old engineer, came to therapy with a clear request: He wanted more sex with his wife, Sara. But within minutes, a related issue revealed itself. "When she challenges me, I know I'm right, and I want to win," he said, chest out, clearly relishing the thought. "And it feels good to win."

It does feel good to be right, doesn't it? Think back to the last argument you won. That satisfaction, that sense of being vindicated — it's real.

But that feeling may be quietly costing you your sex life.

Sara looked down as she listened to Mark and quietly said, "I just want to be heard. My opinion matters too, doesn't it?"

Just think about what happens after you "win" an argument. How does the rest of the evening go?If you're honest, probably not great. The room can turn icy. Your partner can go quiet. You may want to reconnect and bask in your glory, but instead, you find them turning away.

Understanding what happens in the body during and after conflict can help to explain why "winning and losing" can change a couple's desire for sex later that night.

The Biology of Winning and Losing

Research into competition has found what is often called the "winner-loser effect." When people compete in sports, games, or social contests, winners tend to experience a rise in testosterone, while losers experience a drop. Because testosterone plays an important role in sexual desire in both men and women, these shifts can impact how much sex you (or your partner) want.

But intimate........

© Psychology Today