Why Relationships Matter

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What can we do or say when our partner or someone we love is completely unaware of how they come across to others in the world, and yet is continually frustrated about other people’s responses to them? How do we make things better when someone we care about can’t see their own behavior accurately, when they have a skewed version of themselves, and are certain they’re not doing what they’re actually doing? Is it possible to move the dial forward when someone rejects and feels victimized by the feedback and results they keep getting from the world on account of that behavior?

Risa’s kids frequently complain to her about her husband, their father. All three of her children tell her that he’s constantly shouting at them, telling them what they’re doing wrong, and instructing them on what they need to do to change—hammering at them with the same message over and over again. They tell her that he doesn’t listen or ask questions about why they make the choices they make; he barrages them with criticism, which he says is “advice and guidance.” Each child has said the same thing, and indeed, Risa has witnessed this exact behavior, this relentlessness and aggression from her husband, again and again.

Perception Versus Reality

Recently, her husband recounted an interaction with one of their children. As he described what he'd said to their child, he became agitated and angry, raising his voice........

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