Why Relationships Matter

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The silent treatment can damage relationships.

Its relational toll can be serious and long-lasting.

Awareness is the first step to conquering this negative pattern.

Iconic comedian Phyllis Diller’s comedy centered around her relationship with her fictional husband, Fang. Included among the many pearls of wisdom she shared as a key to her successful marriage was, “We never go to bed mad. We stay up and fight!” This particular punchline delivers, intentionally or not, a sound piece of communication advice: Even in conflict, it is important to keep the lines of communication open.

Of course, in real life, the relational toll of poor communications is no laughing matter, and mutually respectful and honest communication is essential to a healthy relationship. The silent treatment, a seemingly innocent behavior characterized by an often painful and emotionally loaded silence, is in fact fraught with short- and long-term negative consequences.

The silent treatment is anything but silent or subtle.

The silent treatment, defined

A recently published systematic review of research describes the silent treatment as a form of “deliberate communication avoidance…a common form of social exclusion that significantly impacts close adult relationships.”

Often, in the heat of an argument, an individual will choose to go silent, refuse to respond, and ignore or exclude the person with whom they find themselves in conflict. The person on the receiving end of the silent treatment—a form of passive aggression—will experience exclusion, and their attempts to communicate will be ignored. They may feel punished, blamed, rejected, and shut down. The duration of the silent treatment can vary widely, and its effects can persist, causing long-term harm.

When silence is not the silent treatment

Of course, not every pause in a discussion is deliberate, calculated, and manipulative. There may be times when it is wise to take a break and call for a time-out to gather thoughts, reflect, or de-escalate a heated conversation. Terry Real, family therapist, founder of Relational Life Therapy, and author of New York Times best-seller I Don’t Want to Talk About It, created a list of 10 Commandments of Time-Outs in a Relationship, in which he emphasizes the need to communicate the desire for a time-out, with guidelines for reengagement. The goal of a healthy time-out is to de-escalate, prevent hurt and harm, and for both parties to feel heard, supported, and respected for the duration of the pause.

Intentional hurt and harm

Anyone who has found themselves on the receiving end of the silent treatment, whether from a partner, parent, close friend, or colleague, knows how dismissive, manipulative, hurtful, and isolating an abrupt, deliberate refusal to communicate can feel. The recipient of the silent treatment is left feeling powerless, anxious, abandoned, and discarded.

Over time, the silent treatment, often referred to as stonewalling, can lead to serious relationship damage. A 2023 study identified the emotional, physical, and relational impacts of negative communication styles of couples, including “slower wound healing, greater negative emotion, lower positive emotion, and poorer discussion evaluations.” Further, a recent paper categorizes the silent treatment, stonewalling, and emotional withdrawal as intimate partner violence, and highlights its threat to “belongingness, the fundamental need for social connection and acceptance…and self-esteem, which encompasses feelings of worth and value…”

Why Relationships Matter

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Role models and blueprints

Often, communication and relationship patterns and habits are formed early in life. From an early age, we take on the habits, behaviors, and relationship styles of our parents and caregivers. The way the adults we depend on for safety and security handle stress, treat others, and resolve conflicts becomes our blueprint. When these modeled behaviors are functional, adaptive, and keep us safe, we carry on without much thought or self-reflection.

Here’s the good news: As human beings, we can challenge the habits and patterns that no longer serve us, and cause ourselves and others hurt and harm. When we recognize our negative behaviors, habits, and patterns, including our use of the silent treatment, we can decide to change. We can course-correct and find more compassionate and thoughtful strategies that support healthy, authentic, and successful communication with others.

Breaking free of the silent treatment

If you recognize this destructive form of communication in your own behaviors, reactions, and habits, you can:

Acknowledge your habitual behaviors and patterns as problematic and harmful. Remember, awareness is always the first step to meaningful change.

Make a promise to yourself to work on developing healthier, more effective, and positive communication skills.

Own up to your past choices, behaviors, and actions. Be gentle with yourself and those you may have hurt, and tell them you want to change.

Stay present, rather than shut down, the next time you feel threatened or stressed. Rather than engaging in the silent treatment, express your desire for a time-out with a promise to reconnect.

Seek professional support to help address your maladaptive habits and patterns, and develop active-listening, emotional regulation, and communication skills.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of the silent treatment, you can:

Build your awareness of the dynamics at play, and make an effort to turn your attention to self-care and engaging in activities that inspire you and bring you joy.

Establish and communicate healthy boundaries once you are back in communication. Express your intolerance of abusive and disrespectful behaviors, and suggest adaptive communication strategies, such as expressing negative emotions or requesting a time-out.

Seek the help of a mental health professional if you are feeling overwhelmed and unable to express your feelings, and develop healthy coping and communication strategies.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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