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Limerence is a state of involuntary obsession with another person.

Individuals in the throes of limerence struggle with troubling symptoms.

Breaking free from limerence begins with awareness.

Stories are powerful things! For millennia, human beings have been listening, learning, and sharing stories that help make sense of the world. Storytelling is foundational to our understanding of our world, ourselves, and our relationships with others.

As children, we are captivated by stories of distant lands, acts of bravery and courage, tales of escape from great danger, and more. Perhaps the most compelling stories are the love stories, from the fairy tales of love at first sight, with happily-ever-after endings, to the tragic tales of unrequited love that inform our thoughts, perceptions, and behaviors and set the stage for limerence.

Love versus limerence

While we may think we know a lot about love, we know little or nothing of limerence. While love is considered the most profound of human shared emotions, limerence, in a nutshell, is an individual state of involuntary obsession with another person. The term, coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence, is most often, though not exclusively, associated with romantic infatuation and obsession, as well as a desire for connection. This obsession often has little to do with reality, is mostly or entirely one-sided, and has little or no chance of developing into a healthy, functional relationship.

Though limerence is neither a disorder recognised in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) nor a clinical diagnosis, it is a concept that has gained interest in recent years. Understanding its symptoms and impacts is the first step to breaking free and regaining control.

From attraction to obsession

In a 2025 NPR interview about his book, Smitten, The Romantic Obsession, The Neuroscience of Limerence, and How to Make Love Last, author and neuroscientist Tom Bellamy, Ph.D., explains the shift from attraction to limerence:

“If it's possible to form a healthy bond with your 'limerent object,' then the limerence doesn't usually progress … But if there are barriers, uncertainty or either the limerent or limerent object is indecisive or gives mixed messages, then it drives the reward system into that state of addiction. If the romantic reward is unpredictable, the desire doesn't calm down; it escalates.”

“If it's possible to form a healthy bond with your 'limerent object,' then the limerence doesn't usually progress … But if there are barriers, uncertainty or either the limerent or limerent object is indecisive or gives mixed messages, then it drives the reward system into that state of addiction. If the romantic reward is unpredictable, the desire doesn't calm down; it escalates.”

Recognizing the signs, behaviors, and symptoms

Limerence can become all-consuming, overwhelming, and obsessive. Research published in 2021 describes the impacts of limerence, including “significant loss of productivity and emotional distress … [that] interferes with daily functioning and the formation and maintenance of healthy relationships.” Behaviors identified in the study include “rituals that interfere with their other responsibilities, such as staring at photos of the LO [limerence object, or object of affection or attention], replaying past interactions with the LO, searching for indications of how the LO might feel towards them.” Furthermore, perceived approval or rejection from the LO can trigger intense emotional states, from elation to despair.

Loves me, loves me not

In a 2024 New York Times article exploring the mechanisms of limerence, Giulia Poerio characterizes the plight of an individual in the throes of limerence as a loves-me-loves-me-not experience and describes limerence as a hijacking that “interferes with your ability to have meaningful, real-world relationships because you are sustaining a relationship in your mind.” Furthermore, a 2024 article in the Journal of Police and Criminal Psychology cites the rise of social media as providing an individual in the throes of limerence with an “endless stream of intimate content posted online can provide… the fuel to sustain [an individual’s] fantasies and enable them to formulate a narrative of their own design.”

Individuals in the throes of limerence struggle with obsessive thoughts, fears of rejection, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and obsessive social media engagement related to the LO. They often experience distressing physical symptoms, including difficulty sleeping, a loss of appetite, and an inability to focus.

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Recovering from limerence

Our symptoms—including physiological, cognitive, or behavioral—have a purpose. Our negative thoughts, distressing physical symptoms, and maladaptive choices and behaviors cause us suffering and compel us to make the changes we are capable of making, and seek help when we are feeling overwhelmed and unable to manage on our own.

Recovering from limerence begins with recognizing symptoms, building an awareness of the impacts of limerence, and setting the intention to break free from the hurt and harm of limerence.

6 steps to breaking free from limerence

As with all healing and growth, the first step to navigating limerence is awareness. With awareness, we can challenge our negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs, and take incremental steps toward creating healthier, more adaptive thoughts, choices, and habits.

Examine your intrusive, distressing, and ruminating thoughts related to another individual.

Build an awareness around the signs and symptoms of limerence.

Exercise self-compassion as you challenge the reality of the one-sided relationship playing out in your thoughts and behaviors.

Create and enforce healthy boundaries around your behaviors and thoughts that fuel your obsessive thoughts and feelings. For example, restrict your social media engagement and begin challenging your intrusive and obsessive thoughts when they arise.

Spend time with friends and family members, and focus on strengthening and expanding your real-life social network.

Seek the help of a therapist, who can provide you with insights, strategies, and tools to help you build healthy, reciprocal relationships with others.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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