Why Relationships Matter

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Desire often means more than the quest for sexual connection.

Genuine intimacy requires a prior search for wholeness and personal growth.

No love story is immune from a crucible or the trials that surface in most relationships.

In our search for meaning, we look to free ourselves and wonder what we want to be free for.

On average, adults make approximately 35,000 daily decisions, largely based upon desires and, we hope, values as well. “Desire is boundless, infusing every aspect of our lives,” writes Jay Stringer in Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow. “It is the energy force that awakens our curiosity, the fire that fuels our ambition, the longing that propels us toward something more.”1

Research shows that desires do change across the lifespan. While a growth motive encourages younger adults to find purpose and life direction, older adults flourish when living authentically, having found purpose and mastery of skills.2

In addition to our age and life stage, desires can be shaped by what others want us to believe or have. Think advertising. Haven’t we all fallen at some point for the latest tech gadget, beauty product, or useful kitchen appliance? On a deeper level, Stringer posits that we have five core longings, explained in his book.

Progressing through life, we excavate. At some point, there’s a longing to heal childhood wounds and make sense of past circumstances or traumas.

“We all are born with raw, untamed desires: the impulses to play, express ourselves, and connect with others,” says Stringer. Parents are wise to cultivate such desires and a child’s self-expression, and not to expect a child to navigate their (parental) unfulfilled dreams or baggage. In chapters devoted to wholeness, Stringer encourages readers to excavate within families, explore developmental attachments and trauma, and consider how one feels seen, safe, soothed, and secure.

“We all arrive in adulthood underdeveloped in some way, limping from a core wound and dealing with complications from how we’ve learned to survive,” Stringer writes. Our growth reflects our need to live authentically and remain strong through life’s challenges. It demands self-mastery (exchanging trauma for triumph), resignation (because growth is painful and unpredictable), and validation (where we pine for significance and self-worth).

As one grows, one develops a tolerance for difficulty, a curiosity for problems, a capacity to see one’s false self, a desire to know others deeply as well as to be known, and a proud identity that’s strong for the life chapters that follow, rather than mere personas one tries on momentarily.

The author’s use of quotes throughout the book makes the reader want to dive into each chapter. “Nobody’s ready for marriage—marriage makes you ready for marriage,” says David Schnarch, therapist and author that’s cited.

Intimacy is about wanting to know another deeply and to be profoundly known. Personal growth precedes this. Day-to-day delight, conflict, anxiety, monotony and hope all surface in an intimate relationship, and no amount of preparation nor resources fully equip us.

“No love story is immune from a crucible,” Stringer writes. We aren’t just married to one, but every disparate version of that person. A marriage grounded in healthy intimacy means smooth sailing is less important than transformation where each partner becomes the best version of themselves.

Why Relationships Matter

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Humans share a central longing for touch, vitality, and sexual connection, yet Stringer writes that the best sex does not stem from better communications and acquiring new techniques. It emerges from revelation, provocation, and healing.

In fact, sexual difficulties can show our capacity for intimacy and pleasure. Sex is a great provocateur, stirring us to name and move toward what we want, and sex, used correctly, can be one of the most restorative experiences for both mind and body.

This section contains validating statistics regarding sexual dysfunction, infidelity, and problematic habits, such as “porn use will nearly double the probability of a couple getting divorced.”3

Adding to this understanding of desire, we embrace what clarity, purpose, and traits matter most for life’s remaining years or chapters, if you will. This stage helps to free ourselves from things that held us back, and we also ask what do we want to be free for?

Guidance, cultivating friendships, and bridging loneliness and vulnerability are all vital to understanding the quest for meaning. The author’s last three directives include: “find your village, recognize that life comes through death, and remind yourself, as often as you need, of the immense beauty inside you.”

At over 300 pages, readers explore real-life anecdotes and details worth devouring in charts that depict a growth mindset, differentiation of self (a family systems term worth understanding), and patterns affecting intimacy. Stringer incorporates a good mix of other learned opinions, research, and how-to steps to set us on the path of understanding all five core desires, in ourselves and perhaps in others.

© 2026 by Loriann Oberlin, MS, LCPC

1. Stringer, J. Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow (New York, Penguin Random House/Convergent Books, 2026); www.jay-stringer.com

2. Cornwell, J et al, “Motivation and Well-Being Across the Lifespan: A Cross-Sectional Examination,” The Journal of Positive Psychology, Vol 18, No 2 (2022); https://www.researchgate.net/publication/361633197_Motivation_and_well-being_across_the_lifespan_A_cross-sectional_examination/link/6984fc2d42f94d1212a7835f/download?_tp=eyJjb250ZXh0Ijp7ImZpcnN0UGFnZSI6InB1YmxpY2F0aW9uIiwicGFnZSI6InB1YmxpY2F0aW9uIn19

3. Perry, SL and Schleifer, C, “Till Porn Do Us Part? A Longitudinal Examination of Pornography Use and Divorce,” Journal of Sex Research, 55, No 3 (2017): 284-96; https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28497988/

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