Maladaptive Daydreaming is supported by the conviction that one's fantasies are forthcoming.

The related fantasies leave out the discomforts of one's sought after existence.

Challenging the cognitive distortions of our hopes and dreams can help us make more meaningful choices.

People with obsessive-compulsive tendencies tend to struggle immensely with decision-making. Outsiders looking in wonder why common choices, like where to work or whom to marry, are so challenging for them. Worsening the problem is the proclivity toward maladaptive daydreaming, spending hours on end fantasizing about ideal scenarios. Often, these imagined scenarios don’t even entail the full scope of what would be expected were they to exist. A person who dreams of becoming a singer might only focus on the parts they like, like singing in a big arena, while leaving out the fatigue, the bad reviews, the deadlines, the anxiety of being on stage, and the physical symptoms that accompany it.

For those with vivid imaginations and convictions about what’s possible, maladaptive daydreaming serves not only as a place of respite; it’s also a reminder of what’s to come. The fantasies are as powerful as they are because the individual engaged in them sincerely believes them to be harbingers, merely necessitating patience. It’s a misconception that people who engage in maladaptive daydreaming do so because they prefer fantasy to reality—in reality, they prefer it momentarily, and only if it represents what’s to come. The fantasies are fueled by a mix of naivety, grandiosity, low distress tolerance, resentment, greed, and wishful thinking. Sometimes, there’s little sense of how the world works; at others is the belief that one can and will be the exception to it.

Treatment for maladaptive daydreaming is challenging due to the emotional pull and payoffs of it; one essentially tends to use it as their main mechanism of self-soothing. And, even worse, they just as often fail to account for future regrets because they believe they will, at some distant time and for hitherto unknown reasons, make their dreams come true. Our culture may easily support this form of escapism. Dating apps present myriad options, which make you feel like you can craft your love life with precision. So, when you encounter a problem, which obviously conflicts with fantasy, you’re able to give yourself permission to move on—your dream life feels like a swipe away. That also applies to one’s career, where hardships, including difficult conversations with management, can be avoided if you believe yourself to be the belle of the ball, under-appreciated and unseen.

Looksmaxxing is another instance of this, where lonesome boys fantasize about a charmed life stemming from beauty. These individuals strongly believe that beauty equals clout, leading to the fulfillment of all of one’s desires, a world wherein one is never told no. The fantasies of maladaptive daydreaming are supported by several distorted thinking patterns. The looksmaxxer, for example, over-generalizes, believing that beauty’s outsized influence must imply a pleasure-filled and painless existence. And this can apply to all forms of maladaptive dreaming, where some life outcome is idealized. Here, we encounter naivety. The daydreamer engages in black and white thinking, dividing up the world between winners and losers, conceiving of their fantasy as a reward for attaining high status.

And the perception of the winner’s circle is supported by mental filtering, the process of fixating on either the negative or positive aspects of some experience, in this case, the positive. So, returning to our example of the singer, mental filtering removes all of the discomforts of singing on stage, including the less-than-stellar circumstances of a musician’s career. Additionally, we have mind-reading, where the fantasy entails a vision of universal and untarnished love, even if only from several important individuals. Lastly, there’s fortune-telling, through which the daydreamer remains certain their patience will pay off. And all of this is supported by the kernels of truth in their beliefs. Beauty does increase your influence. You may be happier in a different job. Another romantic partner might be a better fit.

The problem isn’t in wanting more; it’s with wanting everything. So, to address maladaptive daydreaming, one has to initially acknowledge the possibility that their perspectives of the world and their life might be as problematic as their circumstances. Is your perception of your life as distorted as your beliefs about your future? Through black and white thinking, we tend to sharply devalue what we have and what we’ve accomplished while overvaluing what we don’t. Therefore, it may help to view your life through a clear lens, challenging your distorted thoughts about it. Are you unlikable? Are you unfairly devaluing your romantic prospects, even doing so because you fear letting them down? Do you ever enjoy time spent with people who already like you, who don’t need you to perform?

It may also help to read the biographies of people you admire. Fame, beauty, brilliance, etc… hardly ever lead to ideal lives. There’s often a fundamental sense of disappointment, which can easily catalyze more fantasies. None of these attributes are bad in and of themselves, but it helps to be honest with yourself about what they can and can’t do for you. The 90”s movie Mr. Destiny teaches us this lesson. Jim Belushi, after being granted his ideal life, realizes that he preferred what he already had, thanking the angel for showing him everything, “both the good and the bad.” In a pivotal scene, he’s shown painting a model car, which he tells his dream wife that he prefers over the real thing, which he has. Before the transformation, he spent his weekends, in part, painting model cars—the comfort of which he preferred to driving one. Realizing the fantasy is always better than the reality, paradoxically, extinguishes the fantasy’s power; it’s only grand when it feels attainable. But all of this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t strive; only that we shouldn’t lose ourselves in desire.

© Psychology Today