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The first task for new stepparents is to create a positive bond with stepchildren.

Stepparents may think of this as getting stepchildren to like them, to become friends, or to know them better.

Persistence in bonding efforts pays off.

The same strategies to make a new friend may be used to get stepchildren to like a stepparent.

Many new stepparents wonder how they should interact with their new stepchildren. They ask themselves and their partners (and sometimes their stepchildren):

“How involved should I be in child-rearing?”

“How much should I discipline?”

“What should my stepkids call me?”

“Am I a new parent-figure or what?”

These are important questions, and worth thinking about, but they are not the first questions that a stepparent should be asking. Instead, stepparents’ first steps should be to think about how they can create close relationships with their stepchildren.

“How can I get my stepchildren to like me?”

What can I do to make friends with my stepkids?”

“How do I get to know my stepchildren better?”

Based on many studies of stepparents and stepchildren from around the world, the first steps of stepparenting should be to build positive emotional bonds with stepchildren. I think of this task as either getting stepkids to like the stepparent or stepparents doing things to make friends with stepchildren. Noted stepfamily therapist Patricia Papernow puts it best when she advises stepparents to “make a connection before correction.” In other words, build a bond with stepchildren before attempting to discipline them.

I have reminded stepparents that biological parents spend years nurturing and caring for their children before they ever attempt to discipline them. Most parental discipline is based on the presumption that children are emotionally attached to parents and want to stay positively connected to them. Once an emotional bond between a parent and child has been made, children are motivated to please their parents and to make them happy. A parent can tell a child, “I am so disappointed in your behavior,” and their children respond with efforts to change their actions so as not to continue to disappoint this important person in their lives. If a new stepparent says the same thing to a stepchild, without first building a strong relationship, the stepchild’s response can often be, “So, what? Why should I care if you are disappointed in me?” For stepparents, an emotional connection is necessary before they can effectively be involved in rule-setting and discipline.

In a study we conducted, the strongest and most satisfying stepparent-stepchild relationships were created when stepparents deliberately made efforts to bond with stepchildren from their first meeting, and they never stopped trying to become close. Other stepparents, who made efforts to connect with stepchildren early but then stopped after remarrying or moving in together, were less satisfied, and stepparents who never made any efforts to befriend their stepchildren by far had the most distant relationships.

So, the first step for a stepparent is to get the stepchild to like them, even just a little. Why don’t all stepparents do this? Some stepparents do not see the need to make friends with stepchildren, some stepparents assume that they will be accepted as a parent right away, and so they skip bonding efforts, and some are so in love with their new partner that the new partner’s children are just an afterthought. A few stepparents even reject the notion of trying to get the stepchild to like them, as they consider themselves “old school” – “I feared and respected my father, and he never tried to be nice to me,” is a statement I have heard too often.

The good news is that most stepparents know how to make friends, so they already have the necessary skills to successfully achieve this first step toward being an effective and successful stepparent. Researchers have found that having fun together, helping stepchildren, working together on projects, taking the stepchild’s side, listening, and communicating thoughts and feelings are among the ways in which stepparents connect with their stepchildren. I will explore these and other strategies of bonding with stepchildren in future blogs.

Stepfamily researchers report that persistence pays off for stepparents trying to positively bond with their stepchildren. It takes two to build a relationship, and some stepchildren resist stepparents’ efforts to become close, so continuing to do things to get positive responses from stepchildren despite little or no evidence of success is sometimes necessary. It is also never too late to try to become closer to stepchildren, but stepparents who have ignored this first step in the past may have to drastically change how they interact with stepchildren. Barriers to stepparents’ successful bonding with stepchildren, and how to manage these obstacles, will also be discussed in future blogs.

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Ganong, L., Coleman, M., Fine, M., & Martin, P. (1999). Stepparents’ affinity-seeking and affinity-maintaining strategies with stepchildren. Journal of Family Issues, 20(3), 299-327. https://doi.org/10.1177/019251399020003001

Ganong, L., Coleman, M., & Sanner, C. (2025), What works in stepfamilies: Creating and maintaining satisfying and effective relationships. Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003369073

Papernow, P. (2013). Surviving and thriving in stepfamily relationships: What works and what doesn't. Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203813645-32

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