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Stepparents and stepchildren relate to each other in many different ways.

Stepparents can intentionally build either close or distant bonds with stepchildren.

One key in how a steprelationship develops is how stepchildren see the stepparent's contributions.

Parents may influence how stepparents and stepchildren connect to each other.

Are all stepparents alike? Are all stepparent-stepchild relationships similar?

A few years ago, we asked 49 young adult stepchildren to tell us about their relationships with stepparents—when they met, what relationships were like, and if bonds changed over time. In this study, we found that stepparents and stepchildren have widely varying relationships. We found six distinct patterns of stepparent-stepchild relationships. Here they are.

1. Accepting as a Parent

Most of the stepchildren who had a stepparent they accepted as a parent were infants or toddlers when their parent repartnered. For these stepchildren, the stepparent had always been in their lives, and for them, having three parental figures (a mother, a father, and a stepparent) was normal.

Nearly all these relationships were described as close, but just as in relationships with parents, stepchildren sometimes clashed with stepparents when growing up. Adolescence was often rough because they wanted more freedom, and stepparents pushed back. These relationships, however, fortified over years of receiving love, care, and support, withstood tough times when stepchildren were adolescents.

In some families where stepchildren accepted a stepparent as a parent figure, the stepparent lived with the stepchild for all or most of the time and became a primary parental figure, while the nonresidential parent was relegated to backup status. These children had little contact with nonresidential parents, and daily responsibilities of caregiving and parenting fell to the stepparent and parent in the home.

In other families, both parents and the stepparent engaged in children’s upbringing. Coparents got along well with each other and made room for stepparents in child-rearing. These stepchildren had three or four parental figures and never felt forced to choose between households or parents. The accepted stepparents were seen as additional parents, not substitutes.

2. Liking From the Start

The second pattern was liking from the start. The stepchildren who liked their stepparent from the start were in elementary or middle school when they met them. Both residential and nonresidential stepparents were in this pattern.

Stepchildren rated these relationships as excellent or good. These bonds developed quickly, usually based on mutual interests. Stepchildren thought their stepparents focused initially on having fun with them, trying to build friendships rather than acting as if they were a parental figure. These stepchildren appreciated this approach.

3. Accepting With Ambivalence

In the pattern, accepting with ambivalence, the stepchildren thought the stepparent was OK but did not feel strongly about them. These stepchildren often felt they had little in common with the stepparents. These stepparents and stepchildren slowly reached a level of closeness balanced with enough distance to be comfortable for both. Stepchildren controlled how quickly the relationship developed and how close it became.

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These stepchildren ranged from school-aged to young adults when they met their stepparents. Most were nonresidential stepparents. Another factor in these ambivalent steprelationships was how well parents got along—when parents had tense relationships, children often felt they should not become close to the stepparent. Consequently, they had little motivation to become close to stepparents, although they liked them well enough.

4. Changing Trajectories

In changing trajectories, the stepchildren (all stepdaughters), drastically altered the quality of the relationship with their stepparents after they had been together months or years. All but one disliked their stepparents until they decided to build closer relationships with them. Relationship quality changed when stepchildren started noticing how the stepparent benefited them, their parents, or the whole family. In the lone exception, a stepmother continuously rejected her stepdaughter’s friendship-building efforts, and so the changed trajectory went from liking to rejecting.

Changes in stepchildren’s motivations to bond were not caused by a single event. Instead, these stepchildren gradually noticed things and modified how they thought about stepparents. For most of these changing trajectory stepchildren, stepparents tried to bond by befriending them (e.g., giving gifts, playing games), and they were good partners to parents. Stepparents were persistent in their efforts, despite being rejected by at least one of their stepchildren. The key to relationship change was the transformation in stepchildren’s perceptions.

5. Rejecting the Stepparent

In this rejecting the stepparent pattern, stepchildren disliked the stepparent from the start. The stepparents did not do much to try to bond with the stepchildren. Consequently, the stepchildren did nothing to build bonds, avoided stepparents, and created emotional distance by being rude or hostile. They perceived no benefits in having stepparents.

The rejected stepparents were either nonresidential stepmothers or stepfathers who lived with stepchildren. Stepchildren rejected stepmothers because they thought they were preventing them from spending more time with their fathers out of jealousy. Stepchildren rejecting stepmothers admitted that their parents often did not get along well, and fathers were often relatively uninvolved in their children’s lives. In contrast, stepchildren rejected stepfathers because they moved too rapidly into a disciplinary role.

The coexisting pattern consisted of stepchildren who generally were in high school or college when parents repartnered. All but one coexisting stepparent was nonresidential. The coexisting stepchildren rarely saw their nonresidential stepparents.

The stepchildren assumed they would rarely interact, so they decided not to invest time and energy getting to know them. These relationships were not hostile. Stepchildren were polite in the manner of casual acquaintances, and they generally saw their stepparents as polite but disinterested in getting to know them. Parents did little to encourage a relationship to develop. Stepchildren generally thought of the stepparents as nothing more than parents’ spouses.

Why Are There Different Patterns?

Lots of things contribute to creating different stepparent-stepchild relationships. Ages, parents’ relationship quality, time stepchildren spent with stepparents—these variables and others create contexts that influence how these relationships develop.

Stepparents’ attempts to bond with stepchildren are critical in shaping relationships, as are parents’ efforts to encourage or restrict stepparents’ interactions with stepchildren. Stepchildren’s views about the stepparent’s contributions to themselves, their parents, and their families are also significant. Seeing personal gains—enjoying a higher standard of living, having another person supporting them, sharing interests, and gaining an ally—were important. Seeing that a parent and siblings were happier with the stepparent also mattered.

There likely are more patterns of steprelationships. Studies in Japan and New Zealand reported similar patterns, but with slightly different variations as well. A large U.S. study also reported multiple patterns of steprelationships.

Clearly, more research is needed to explore the diversity of stepparent-stepchild bonds, but for now, we may safely conclude that stepchildren relate to stepparents in diverse ways. Stepchildren and stepparents are not fated to experience only one type of connection—they may create many types of relationships, including positive and rewarding bonds.

Ganong, L., Coleman, M., & Jamison, T. (2011). Patterns of stepchild-stepparent relationship development. Journal of Marriage and Family, 73, 396-413. Doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00814.x

Jensen, T. (2019). A typology of interactional patterns between youth and their stepfathers: Associations with family relationship quality and youth well-being. Family Process, 58 (2), 384-403. Doi:10.1111/famp.12348

Kinniburgh-White, R., Cartwright, C., & Seymour, F. (2010). Young adults' narratives of relational development with stepfathers. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27, 890-907.

Nozawa, S. (2015). Remarriage and stepfamilies. In S.R. Quash (Eds.), The Routledge Handbook of Families in Asia (pp. 345-358). Routledge.

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