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Sibling rivalry, and its inevitable companion, conflict, are universal in families with more than one child.

Managing sibling relationships is a skill that is challenged at every developmental stage.

The best protection against toxic sibling rivalry is the security children feel in their parents' love.

To Parents: Your own history as a sibling shapes your reaction to everything you will read here about your children’s relationships. You can learn from both.

Sam was beside himself. His little sister had just taken his sacred transitional object, Puppy, into her bath, turning it into a soggy mess instead of his beloved, comforting softie. He sobbed as he yelled at his cherished little sister, “You ruined Puppy! I don’t like you, ever!”

Sibling rivalry, and its inevitable companion, conflict, are universal in families with more than one child. Sibships are typically the relationships with the greatest longevity. When they are working, it’s great. Parents and siblings cherish the moments of shared affection, mutual support, and protection that are unique to each child's personality.

But in moments of conflict, both physical and emotional, the intensity of emotion can feel outsized. Particularly when accompanied by menacing, aggressive language or actions, it can make a parent wonder about the wisdom of having continued to reproduce.

Managing sibling relationships is a skill that is challenged at every developmental stage, including into adulthood. No two siblings are ever in identical stages, even twins, given individual differences in language, moral reasoning, and the ability to appreciate all points of view. If you are the older child, you probably recall resenting, at some point, being expected to “have known better because you are just older.” Yeah, but I’m tired of doing better! It’s so unfair!

Let’s talk about fair, a buzzword in every sibling relationship. Absolute fairness—or its doppelganger, equality—is not wholly achievable by any of us, despite how our children beg us to use it as the gold standard to judge sibling cage matches. All we can do is our best when it hits the fan between our children. What’s our best?

Management do’s and don’ts

Don’t investigate. You’ll never search for the trigger without making it worse. There are no neutral parties. Instead, focus on the immediate issue: “Of course you’re upset, Sam, and now so is your sister.”

Don’t permit physical or emotional aggression. Separate or shut it down immediately without an extended lecture, which you can deliver later once the heightened emotions have subsided for everyone—children and parents.

Don’t use one child’s behavior as an example for the other to follow; that’s salt on two wounds that festers into resentment. If you want to comment on any behavior, focus on the good stuff when you see it.

Do prioritize solutions over vengeance. “Sam, let’s see how to solve this.” If his sister were older, his mom could ask her to participate by suggesting solutions or encourage her to consider how Sam might have felt about her soaking Puppy without asking.

About prevention: The best protection against toxic sibling rivalry is the security your children feel in your love for them. Keep it real with brief but regular one-on-one engagement. Intention outweighs quantity. Lose your phone and listen with eye contact, take a brief walk outside, read a book together (taking turns), or let them help with jobs that matter to you. This is money in the bank when they wonder if or why you pay more attention to their sibling than to them.

Sam and his sister watched as their mother gently placed soggy Puppy in the dryer with soft towels. She interrupted the cycle several times to check on “how Puppy was doing, making all these circles.” Sam wondered if Puppy was getting dizzy, and his sister laughed.

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Theoretical Perspectives on Sibling Relationships. J Fam Theory Rev. 2011 Jun. S.D. Whiteman et al.

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