When she was a child, Natalie’s father would beam with pride when she brought home an “A,” but he barely acknowledged her when she didn’t. “I knew I had to be impressive to matter to him,” she told me. Now in her 40s, she notices a pattern: She’s drawn to partners who are hard to please, chasing the same elusive approval she craved as a child.

Similarly, Jenny recounts how Dylan swept her off her feet with constant compliments and grand gestures, only to grow distant months later. “I thought I’d finally found someone who loved me unconditionally,” she says. “But now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, trying to get back to how things were.”

These stories aren’t just anecdotes—they’re echoes of a familiar psychological dynamic: conditional love. For many of us, the love we received growing up felt transactional, contingent on achievement, behavior, or appearance. Unfortunately, this dynamic often doesn’t stay confined to childhood. Instead, it operates like a shadow, shaping our relationships,........

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