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Survivors of abandonment are often blamed for having been abandoned, shifting the blame off of those who left.

Victim-blaming can reinforce shame and distort how abandonment is understood.

These prepared responses can help redirect the focus.

Jarelle was in her senior year when she started dating someone outside the family faith. At first, her parents tried to get her to end the relationship, but she refused. She slowly started to draw boundaries with her parents, such as when they could visit and how long they could stay. Over time, they deflected responsibility, blaming everyone but themselves—her partner, her therapist, anyone they believed had “influenced” her. They started distancing themselves and stopped contacting her altogether.

When they didn’t visit after the birth of their first grandchild, their absence was noticeable, but it was the response from others that reinforced the pain she felt.

At first, people asked Jarelle where her parents were and whether they were planning to visit. The questions were uncomfortable, but they made sense. But once her parents cut her off completely, something changed. Instead of wondering about her parents’ absence, others began questioning Jarelle—what had happened, whether she had tried hard enough, and what she might have done to cause the distance.

Jarelle always knew her........

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