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Family rejection often involves ambiguous loss: a form of grief that is not socially recognized.

Because of this, many survivors often feel isolated as they mourn those who are still alive.

Healing involves recognizing and supporting the grief that comes from this form of loss.

"I should be happy right now," Jared said with a sigh. "This weekend is my wedding- this should be the happiest time of my life. But, I can't focus. I can't stop thinking about how my father wont be there." He paused as tears pooled in his eyes.

"It's not fair." he said, crying.

"It's not fair," I echoed in agreement.

I had been with Jared for years; he contacted me back when he first came out to his family. "I have a feeling this isn't going to go well," he had said during his first call, "and I want some support for when that happens."

In my experience, families can be surprising when their loved ones come out as LGBTQ. Sometimes, parents who we think won't be accepting end up being supportive. Of course, the best scenerio is full, unconditional love and acceptance, which every human being deserves from their family.

Unfortunately, Jared's parents were not surprising. He had grown up in an environment filled with homophobia, and had known from a young age that coming out would be uncomfortable at best. And he was right: his father took it badly, insulting him and sending Jared into a deep depression. I held space with him week after week as he processed this, holding onto hope that his father would come around. His mother, raised in a traditional Indian family, followed his father's lead.

This was almost 4 years ago. Since then, he had grown immensely in his sense of self. He found ways to rebuild. He met a great man and got engaged, showing me the ring with a huge smile during our session the week following. We ended that session discussing their plans to set a date. I was so happy for him. We decreased sessions to monthly check-ins for a while, as he was doing well.

But then the negative feelings started coming back. The shame and self-doubt. Feeling like he was not good enough; not deserving of love and happiness. He was raised in a big family, it was everything he had been used to. Not having family felt like having the rug pulled out from under him.

"How can I have a wedding without my parents there?" he said. "It feels worse than if they had just passed away."

In my work with survivors, this moment is not uncommon. The anticipation of joy, usually at weddings, births, graduations, and other important milestones, often collides with unresolved pain because they illuminate what is missing. Or more importantly, who is missing.

Family Rejection Often Brings Ambiguous Loss

Family rejection is often best understood through the lens of ambiguous loss: the family may still be physically present, yet emotionally unavailable. Statements like Jared's, likening their family's absence to a form of grief, are true. Except, unlike with grief from death, survivors are not grieving a clean rupture or a clear ending; instead, they are grieving those who are still alive. They are grieving a relationship that exists in form but not in function.

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This type of loss can be uniquely destabilizing because it lacks social recognition. There is no funeral, no rituals signaling the end, no clear language for what has been lost. From the outside, others may say, “But your family is still in your life,” which can unintentionally minimize the depth of the loss. Yet internally, survivors like Jared carry the chronic ache of never feeling fully chosen by those who are supposed to celebrate them. Jared will walk down the aisle with his parents visibly absent, knowing full well that they are alive and living across town; just refusing to come celebrate- or even acknowledge- him. Unlike death, where there is sympathy and understanding; this form of grief is not recognized. It's isolating.

Supporting Survivors Involves Addressing the Grief of What Should Have Been

Survivors of this form of grief are rarely given the space or acknowledgment needed to fully validate their loss. When the loss is rooted in rejection rather than death, it often goes unnamed; minimized by others and often the survivors themselves.

If one or both of Jared’s parents had passed before his wedding, their absence would still be deeply felt. But it would likely be met with recognition—condolences, acknowledgments, even if awkward; it would be named. Others would recognize this loss as grief. There would be language for it and permission to feel it openly.

In contrast, when parents are alive but choose not to be present, the loss is still grief but is often not acknowledged. There is no script for how to respond, no collective acknowledgment of what has been taken. Instead of support, survivors may encounter discomfort from others who do not know how to respond. Some even receive pressure to reconcile or “move on.” This lack of recognition can reinforce isolation. This is why it is so important to validate this loss.

For clients like Jared, the work centers on grieving what should have been. Naming the loss helps make it visible and real—especially for those who have likely spent years minimizing or denying their own experience. But validating it helps to bring it out; it helps the trauma have somewhere to land. Only then can they work towards grieving the loss and moving forward.

Excerpted, in part, from my book The Cycle Breaker's Guide to Healthy Relationships.

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