Those raised in dysfunctional families may learn to ignore their own needs to maintain safety and connection.

People-pleasing, over-functioning, and self-sacrifice can make boundary-setting feel threatening in adulthood.

Boundaries can be learned at any age and are a core part of breaking intergenerational cycles of trauma.

Veronica was exhausted. Every year, she felt pressure to drive five hours with her kids to visit her parents for the Christmas holiday. One of her sons had a disability, which made the trip even more stressful due to needing to stop frequently when he got overstimulated. When they arrived at her parents’ house, she was expected to smile, cook, and socialize. “It never works perfectly,” she said. “The kids are tired, they argue, and everyone just wants a nap, but my parents expect smiles and cheer! And when we aren’t happy, because we are exhausted, they make mean comments and make me feel like a bad daughter and a bad mother.”

By the time the weekend ends, Veronica and her husband are usually at odds, and the ride home is miserable. “I wish I could decide not to go… but I feel like I can’t. Or… can I?” she asked with trepidation.

For many survivors of dysfunctional or abusive families, boundaries don’t come naturally

Establishing and understanding boundaries is an essential part of adulthood, as it helps us regain a sense of control over our lives and relationships. However, as we start our journey of healing from a traumatic family environment, many of us find that we need to begin with the basics: this means starting with learning what boundaries even are and then how to establish them, which can feel overwhelming or confusing. For many survivors of dysfunctional or abusive families, boundaries don’t come naturally. They must be learned—or relearned—from scratch, because we did not have healthy examples.

Setting boundaries is about so much more than just saying “no.” It’s about protecting your emotional and physical well-being, which is especially difficult when you weren’t taught to do that growing up. In abusive or dysfunctional family environments, boundaries are often nonexistent, or they are violated or overlooked, leaving survivors without a clear sense of personal limits or the ability to advocate for themselves. We may have grown up being praised for self-sacrifice, scared or intimidated into silence about what we were experiencing, or expected to take on adult responsibilities far too early.

Many survivors of dysfunctional families struggle to assert boundaries. The things that helped us survive then (things like codependency, people-pleasing, and ignoring our own needs and feelings), often produces an adult who struggles with boundaries. Much like Veronica, many of us start our healing journey not even knowing we are allowed to have them!

This lack of understanding can lead to difficulties in asserting our needs. Without a clear understanding of boundaries, we may unintentionally cross others’ limits, which can lead to confusion or resentment. Then, we feel shame or even resentment at their discomfort, so maybe we lash out, or maybe freeze, not knowing what to say or do to resolve the conflict, and the cycle continues.

Learning boundaries is essential for breaking unhealthy cycles of dysfunction

Healing and breaking cycles often begins with learning that we are not responsible for managing others' emotions. Boundaries protect our emotional and mental health by setting clear limits on what we will and won’t accept in relationships, starting with maltreatment from our own families.

Remember, you are allowed to set boundaries that reflect your needs, even if they don’t match what others expect or what society says is “normal.” Your boundaries are valid simply because they are yours, whether or not others agree with them. For someone like Veronica, a boundary might sound simple: “We’re coming for one night instead of three,” or “If the kids get overwhelmed, we’ll leave early.” Small limits like these can feel terrifying at first, especially if you grew up in an environment where you were not allowed to have them—but they’re often the first step toward breaking generational patterns of dysfunction.

When we set and enforce boundaries, we communicate to ourselves and others that our needs and emotions matter. Boundaries give us the power to say "no" when something feels wrong, allowing us to prioritize ourselves for once. For many survivors, this is the first time we have been able to think about our own needs in relationships.

Excerpted, in part, from my book The Cycle Breaker's Guide to Healthy Relationships.

© Psychology Today