What Is Domestic Violence?

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Couples therapy can give an abusive partner new tools to manipulate or control their victim.

Treating abuse as a mutual problem can reinforce victim-blaming and undermine survivors' experiences.

When coercive control is present, survivor safety must take priority over relationship repair.

Harris and Adam came to me in the summer of 2025. They had two young children and had just purchased a home. But Adam began to exhibit scary behavior toward his husband, Harris. He had started to yell loudly and had been physically violent a couple of times.

When Adam called me, he hoped therapy could "help" Harris and stop the behavior. In the first session, he asked, "Can you give us some tools to help his behavior?"

Adam's question is common. In cases where children are involved, or other financial or emotional tethers bind couples together, they might consider couples therapy to fix their unhealthy relationship before they think of leaving it. While this approach can help if both partners are willing to work on their own relationship issues, this is usually not the case with an abusive person.

When a relationship involves coercive control or ongoing abuse, couples therapy is generally not recommended because it can reinforce existing power imbalances and potentially place the victim at further risk (Keilholtz and Spencer, 2022). The concern is not simply that a couple has........

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