“Many a truth is spoken in anger” is a proverb, familiar to a lot of us who grew up in American culture. It suggests that people often reveal genuine, perhaps hidden truths when they are angry and that they speak honestly when provoked or feeling hostile. This tendency may be true some (or all) of the time for a given person. But often, what they say when angry is not what the person believes when they’re feeling calm.

One of my clients, May (not her real name), told me she was distraught because of a conversation with her brother. In an effort to be supportive, she had asked him how his job search was going. He responded loudly and angrily. “Why are you asking me that? Everyone’s been getting on my case. Don’t you understand how bad the job market is these days! I can’t believe you, of all people, would bug me about this. You went an entire year without working. You’re so insensitive, always picking on me and criticizing me. You should mind your own business!”

May was blindsided and felt unfairly attacked. She had genuinely wanted to help her brother, either by suggesting an idea she had or just by being empathetic. But her brother hadn’t given her the chance. She had thought that she and her brother had had a reasonably good relationship in recent years. She was shocked that he viewed her as insensitive and critical. “I honestly don’t know if the relationship........

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