Why Relationships Matter

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The signal is the emotions and physiology you experience when you perceive a situation as a threat.

The story is what you tell yourself to reduce uncertainty, even if the story is more painful.

Focus on the signal and avoid telling the story to help change how you handle life situations.

How often have you heard this from people explaining their relationship challenges: “I have anxious attachment?” Attachment theory has become part of what I call the “Relationship-Industrial Complex” and is an essential term in our relationship vocabulary. It suggests that relationships demonstrate one of three patterns: anxious, avoidant, or secure. It’s used as both an explanation and an excuse for struggling relationships and other difficulties we often face in our lives. And sometimes it’s accurate; many people do experience anxious attachment in even the most loving relationships.

But just as often, what people are experiencing isn’t that readily explainable because attachment isn’t a dichotomous style (or a label); rather, it lies along a continuum of how we connect with others. And one location along that spectrum is what I call “signal/story attachment.” It is a very human process in which the mind confuses two different internal experiences: signal and story. Understanding the difference can immediately reduce distress and improve how you respond to difficult relationship moments.

Signal: What Is Real and Immediate

When something unsettling happens, your body reacts first. A delayed text. A change in tone. A moment of distance. Your nervous system registers a potential threat. This is not pathology. It’s basic biology. It’s your survival instinct kicking in. Emotions such as anxiety, sadness, frustration, or anger are signals that something meaningful is happening. From an evolutionary perspective, these emotional responses are designed to orient you toward potential threats and mobilize attention and action to remove the threat. The key point is this: The signal is tied to the present moment. It reflects what is happening right now and how your system is interpreting it. Though a clearly unpleasant emotional and physiological experience, it is........

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