The Importance of Forgiveness

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With relief-driven apologies, the "I'm sorry" reads as "please forgive me so I can stop feeling bad."

The moment that dreaded "but" shows up, the apology is over in your adult child's ears and mind.

A better apology is shorter, undefended, and asks for nothing back.

Every week I hear the same story from parents of struggling adult children: "I've apologized. Nothing changes." These parents admit (often readily) that they were too strict, too controlling, or perhaps too permissive. They may have missed identifying (or following up on) their adult child’s anxiety when they were younger, or maybe did not follow up on addressing depression, ADHD, or learning problems. Parents who divorced also acknowledge that the divorce left scars. So why do these parents who say they are sorry (often many times) find their apologies only make things worse?

Leah Apologized to No Avail

Let's take a quick look at a mother that we can call Leah. She apologized to her 27-year-old son, Dan, three times in one year for how strict she'd been growing up. To Leah's dismay, each apology (I'm sorry I made you feel that way") made Dan more distant and........

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