What's a Parent's Role?

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Parents of struggling adult children feel confused and frustrated.

There is more quiet shame than ever, especially when other families seem to be moving ahead.

Real change begins with not trying harder, but by understanding and responding to the pattern differently.

Parents who reach out to me for support with their struggling adult children feel confused and frustrated. Tom, for example, shared that when he pushed his 28-year-old son to look for a job, they ended up fighting. Denise, another parent coaching client, shared, "If we don't push Leah, then nothing happens. But then, when we push, the you know what, it hits the fan."

Roger, the father of 32-year-old Cynthia, said, "I don't know when my helping crosses the line into enabling." Kim expressed, "Whatever I say to Elena seems to make her feel more angry and anxious." To sum it up, referring to his stuck 32-year-old son, Andy shared with me, "I thought at this point, parenting would be a heck of a lot easier and not a hell of a lot harder."

When Reality Breaks From the Hollywood Movie Script

For anyone out there with a struggling adult child who has difficulty independently coping in the world, every day usually feels consumed by worry. The anxiety is not simply something parents get used to. That's because the reality of a struggling adult child's life is so radically different from what parents pictured and hoped for their grown child.

Every caring parent wants to raise children who can fend for themselves in an increasingly competitive and challenging world. Yet the parents who reach out to me say they stay awake at night, worried about a son or daughter who can't move forward—emotionally, professionally, or financially.

In this world of perfectly curated social media images, there is more quiet shame than ever, especially when other families seem to be moving ahead. These situations are more common than people realize, and I feel for the parents who feel so alone in them.

Helping That Backfires Sets Families Back

In my work as a psychologist and parent coach, I often see firsthand how when an adult child feels stuck, the family feels stuck along with them. Parents try harder because they care. They step in to prevent their adult children's lives from falling apart, soften boundaries, or keep conversations going way too long after everyone is exhausted.

In my work with anxious children of all ages, and in my book, Freeing Your Child From Overthinking, I describe how families can get pulled into a cycle fueled by fear, guilt, and the need for certainty. When children are younger, this may show up as reassurance-seeking or avoidance. In adulthood, the same dynamics can manifest as dependence, chronic conflict, or difficulty moving forward.

Parents often feel trapped between pushing too hard and not pushing enough. Real change begins with not trying harder, but by understanding the pattern more clearly and responding in a way that no longer keeps everyone stuck.

What's a Parent's Role?

Take our Authoritative Parenting Test

Find a family therapist near me

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