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Many struggling adult children fear making mistakes.

Progress requires being able to move forward in the face of uncertainty.

The goal is not to eliminate the thoughts—it is to stop obeying them.

Adult children don't struggle in just one way. From coaching them and their parents, I have seen that some live independently, work, and appear to be doing fine on the surface. Others are back in their parents' homes, unable to hold steady jobs, feeling stuck and discouraged.

Yet across this wide range of functioning, a common thread shows up. It is two incessant thoughts that look reasonable—you could even say, responsible—but quietly drain confidence, delay action, and keep lives smaller than they should be. It is heartbreaking when I see the pain in adult children and parents who face the negative impact of these two thoughts, which I will describe below.

1. If I'm Not Certain, I Shouldn't Take Action

This self-esteem-sucking thought may masquerade as caution, but it fuels analysis paralysis. Adult children caught in this thought loop wait for perfect clarity before making decisions. We are talking about deciding how to put together a resume, apply for a job, put themselves out there to date, or even face small daily challenges. The result? Missed opportunities and a creeping, consuming sense of feeling behind, and even defective.

Example: Ryan's Fear of Making The Wrong Move

After struggling to find a job, Evan (names changed in examples to protect confidentiality) had a solid job offer but kept thinking, "What if this is the wrong move?" "What if I regret it?" He analyzed every angle and asked multiple people for reassurance, including his AI app on his phone.

This led him to delay his response, and eventually the offer expired, and the job went to someone else. Evan was angry, calling it "typical corporate bullcrap," but in reality, his need for certainty cost him momentum—and confidence.

What lies beneath Evan's thought is the illusion that certainty is achievable. After thirty-five years of counseling and coaching, I have seen firsthand that certainty is not achievable. Growth actually requires tolerating some level of doubt.

As I emphasize in my work and in my book, Freeing Your Child From Overthinking (which applies to parents of "kids" ages 4 to 44), learning to pause, acknowledge uncertainty, and still step forward is often what breaks the rumination and "What If" loop.

2. I Should Be Further Along By Now

It has been said that comparison is the thief of joy. I would add that it can be the thief of success. Adult children measure themselves against their peers, siblings, or an internal timeline (whether they admit it or not)—and in their minds, come up short. It creates shame, urgency, and a sense of failure that can actually slow progress down.

Example: Piper Getting Caught Up in The Comparison Trap

Piper had lots of admiration for everyone else in the world, but not for herself. "Everyone else has their sh*t together", she said to me. She then continued, "A friend of mine asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, but I'm jealous it's not me getting married. My other friend just bought a condo. Me? My life totally sucks, Dr. Jeff."

Even though Piper showed serious grit in making a shift to a career she cared about, she couldn't appreciate it. Instead, she rushed decisions too much too quickly and second-guessed herself almost constantly. Her actual progress became tangled in pressure rather than guided by purpose.

Fortunately, after working together, Piper learned to see that there is no universal timeline. In fact, many of the same overthinking patterns we see in kids simply evolve into more sophisticated versions in adulthood.

What's a Parent's Role?

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The Life Changing Shift

I really do believe that sometimes one moment of real insight is worth years of just existing. With that spirit, both of the thoughts I discussed share a common theme: rigid expectations about how life "should" unfold. So here are some versions of this theme with some healthy counter-thoughts:

Instead of: "I need certainty to act", gently share with your adult child, "I can move forward without having it all figured out."

Instead of: "I should be further along", suggest that your child consider, " My path doesn't have to match everyone else to know my own value."

In Freeing Your Child from Overthinking, I describe a simple but powerful process—pause, notice, and gently redirect. That is what helps loosen the stranglehold of these mental loops. While that book focuses on children, the same tools apply just as powerfully to adults.

Adult children don't need perfect thinking. They need flexible thinking. When they learn to question these thinking habits rather than obey them, they regain movement, confidence, and a clearer sense of direction. And, often that's where real adulthood begins.

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