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Rescuing kids too quickly undermines their ability to discover what they can handle.

Dismissing children's feelings teaches them to mistrust their own emotional responses.

Constantly pushing improvement can leave children feeling scrutinized and evaluated.

As a child and family psychologist, I see how most parents want their children to feel capable, secure, and ready for life. Yet, some of the things we do out of love send an unintended message. That message is: "You can't handle this" or "You're wrong to feel that way." Yet another problematic message is: "You are only good enough when you succeed." Having spent thousands of hours listening to struggling adult children and their parents, I hear how painful these messages are and the long-term negative impacts they cause.

A Long History of Emotional Pain

In my work with children, teens, and adults, I have seen how deeply those messages can land and burrow into a child's belief system. Adult children sometimes describe parents who cared intensely ("Yeah, I know they love me, but they don't get who I really am"). Specifically, many adult children look back on their childhoods and, while describing parents who cared intensely, they say there was little room for mistakes, uncomfortable feelings, or independent decisions.

I'm not saying these accounts explain every struggle, so please don't........

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