We all want to raise kids who are confident and who will speak up for themselves; that’s why we encourage them to have a “voice.” Having a voice is important, but so is having the discernment to know when you are effectively advocating for yourself, and when your voice of advocacy has become a voice of condescension or elitism.

A client of mine starts off describing her 16-year-old daughter as an independent, confident kid. The daughter excels academically and socially—the kind of kid you hear about and think, Well, she’s got her stuff together, she’ll do well out in the world…

But by the end of the session, it becomes apparent to me that the girl is also very bossy. She’s demanding and difficult to please. She makes very little accommodation to the needs or wishes of others. And her independence? Well, at times it feels to her mom more like detachment, a premature separation, as if her daughter is........

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