Why Relationships Matter

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Connecting to others is a basic human need, one necessary for survival and meaning. But for many people, relationships can be fraught with danger and uncertainty. From ghosting to abuse to manipulation, much of our trauma occurs in the context of relationships. We know the importance of having them, and we know, on some level, they should be safe and reciprocal—but why do some toxic relationships feel so good?

One of the primary reasons some people are attracted to toxicity starts in childhood. Our upbringings can build a solid base of healthy attachment or wreak havoc—or land us somewhere in between. For adults whose earliest years were marked by neglect and/or abuse, specific patterns emerge that may draw them to toxicity: chaos starts to feel normal; people whose affection is unpredictable can seem both exciting and familiar; and the ability to recognize who you can trust—and who you can’t—becomes eroded. Unresolved childhood trauma often leads to adults who are mired in unhealthy relationships.

Manipulation, infatuation, and the thrill of the chase

Love bombing is another reason that toxic relationships can feel good—at first. The beginning stages of infatuation are intoxicating. Butterflies, tons of attention, physical sparks, the pull of something new: When that early-stage romantic activity combines with someone who’s a master at love-bombing, toxicity can be confused with adoration. Over-the-top gestures feel romantic, and intense fixation can be erotic, but, over time, when boundaries are routinely ignored, relationships happen too quickly, and hints at power and control start to emerge. Someone who seemed too good to be true ends up being just that.

Let’s be honest. Everyone wants to be adored, and it can feel good to be worshipped by someone you’re attracted to—especially if they seem available enough to pour all of their energy into you. In a digital world where connections can feel abrupt and empty, having a significant other who is laser-focused and all-in feels delicious. It’s a balm for people who are tired of being ignored, unseen, and easily discarded for the next distraction. When that initial fixation hints at something darker, however, toxicity can masquerade as the fairytale fix of love at first sight.

If you are someone who struggles with low self-worth, toxic individuals will use that to gain your trust by making your opinion of yourself dependent on their thoughts and feelings. It can feel heady when, after a lifetime of fighting feelings of being less-than, someone comes along who suddenly makes you feel noticed and special. But in a relationship with a manipulative partner, that initial high quickly gives way to an up-and-down cycle of trying to keep your self-validation based on giving them what they want.

Toxic relationships can also prey on people who feel the drive to chase what seems unachievable. People who are aloof or a bit mysterious feel like more of a challenge—and we, as humans, love the thrill of a chase. That inner drive to achieve the seemingly impossible can be good and bad. It can also make someone who goes from being interested to reserved and unreachable feel pretty tempting.

Lastly, toxic relationships hit our brain’s reward centers. They offer intermittent pleasure, creating a cycle where we can become addicted to reproducing those moments—even when they are punctuated by isolation, mistreatment, and, yes, abuse. In effect, our brains become conditioned to seek out those sporadic rewards, much like patterns of addiction.

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

Risks outweigh reward

Ultimately, relationships marked by uncertainty, devotion that feels breathtakingly intense and immediate, or emotional unavailability should set off alarm bells. They may elicit feelings that are addictive and electrifying, but they also carry a high risk of, at best, fizzling out. The worst-case scenario is much uglier: They could lead to years of debilitating abuse and trauma that, for many people, are almost impossible to escape.

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