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Defensiveness is an evolutionary holdover, not a character flaw.

Couples who want lasting intimacy must consciously override biological defensiveness.

We need tools in order to receive information without an emotional charge.

Properly framed, the intent of criticism is often to help improve a relationship.

Many people come into my office believing that defensiveness (one of the Gottmans’ dreaded four horsemen) is a personal failing; however, you may be relieved to learn that defensiveness is actually an evolutionary holdover rather than a character flaw. Historically, criticism signaled an enemy, so building defenses—sometimes even attacking them before they attacked you—was functional for survival. Unfortunately, that defensiveness is dysfunctional for love.

Whereas the Gottmans believe that contempt is the most lethal of the four horsemen, relationship expert Dr. Warren Farrell believes that defensiveness is the single biggest barrier to a happy relationship. In his book Role Mate to Soul Mate, Dr. Farrell posits that couples who want lasting intimacy must consciously override this biological defensiveness since willpower alone rarely calms a nervous system that has already been piqued. What Farrell offers to make partners feel safe is six mindsets designed to interrupt the........

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