The Science of Mating

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Choose for future potential not just present fit: A great partner is someone willing and able to keep growing.

Look for real personal growth, not just promotions: Self-awareness and change matter more than a shiny résumé.

Pay attention to whether they can change their minds: Relationships need curiosity, humility, and flexibility.

Dating apps encourage us to judge people as they are right now. We look at photos, education, profession, interests, sense of humor, and perhaps whether they own an alarming number of cats.

In other words: Is this person a good fit for me?

But when we hire people at my company, particularly people whose potential may have been overlooked by other employers, we try to ask a different question:

Who could this person become?

Who could this person become?

That might be a useful question in dating, too.

Psychologists distinguish between “destiny beliefs”—the idea that relationships either work or they don't—and “growth beliefs,” the belief that good relationships can be built and improved. Research suggests that people with stronger growth beliefs may maintain relationship satisfaction better over time.

So, once you've swiped right and moved beyond “What do you do?” and “Where do you live?” consider listening for trajectory rather than perfection.

1. Has this person........

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